Invisible Silence

It's not that I'm dying to go. I'm dying to leave. I've always done what I want when I want to. I work, I toil, I fidget and give it my all until I get my way. My life, my decisions. I can't follow someone's route. I pave my own road. No soul could make me do anything I don't want to do. I am strong willed.

You will only be happy if you love what you do and the company that comes with it. My own words ringing in my ears. But I have to stay put. I feel like I'm in shackles, like someone clipped my wings. I have to take it all. I have to live without breathing. I lost my freedom.

Patience was always my weakest suit. I cannot wait, it hurts too much. I don't know how much longer I can hold my breath. I'm suffocating.

I'm not going to cry or throw my feet in the air in protest. Everyday would be a stretch but I'm accustomed to pain. I'll take breathers more often, do not deny me that. Everything I do, I must learn something. This time it will be patience. I will learn to wait in pain.

Democracy Going On Tribal

Executive, Legislative and Judiciary - the three branches of a democratic govenment. All a separate body but work as one to run a peaceful government. But despite this setup unrest in the government and corruption issues still occur often. The executive and judiciary branches will forever bat heads for in a democracy we have a right to question another's choice, belief and point of view.

You all know where I'm coming from or why I write this. The Philippine government is at a squabble. Men bicker at the top of the ladder. I pick no side, I defend no one. For all I see are grown men acting like children playing generals with their toy soldiers.

There is a reason why the supreme court justices are appointed not elected. The sad fact is people do not know who are qualified. Unlike the legislative branch where tv personalities and pr persons without prior knowledge of lawmaking can seat comfortably, the judicial seats need to be occupied by top ranking, experienced and impartial lawyers. I challenge all who deny these to name a few people worthy of the judicial seats.

Knowing this we cannot discredit a justice's judgement just because it favors the one who appointed him. I'm not saying Corona is innocent. No one is. What I'm saying is we cannot act like the red queen and yell Off with his head! just because we had a disagreement. We cannot elect people for the judicial seats. Please do not change that part of the constitution. I wouldn't want Erap as my Chief Justice! What's he going to do? Smile and blink? And yes, I do not agree with Corona's hasty impeachment. Any lawmaker who signs without reading is no lawmaker at all. They betrayed the public's trust by being ignorant. Ignorance is servitude - Jose Rizal's own words. No wonder we can't rise, we have men acting smart governing us. Was a gun held to their heads for them to sign? What kind of persuasion was used? I was around Erap's impeachment. I saw the trial go on. Chief Justice or President no impeachment happens overnight! We claim to be civilized for we are ruled by laws we wrote but all we did was tear it apart, spit on it and used it to wipe away the blood stains.

Civil wars were started like this. Let us not forget that. Wars are started by childish men playing god just because they didn't get what they want.

Only Corona and the justices know what goes on in their heads. They know what they did and why they did it. I cannot judge them with the actual facts, for all we have are circumstancial evidences. If they broke the law and the public's trust it is their burden to carry forever. But let it be known to them that the people will not stand for a partial government.

As for the president, I wanted you sir to grow a spine not dawn an armour! We do not call our allies and tell them to act on our accord just because you think you're right. Governing is not about popularity nor is it about getting even. To govern is to serve the people. Service beyond recognition - Duty, honor and selflessness.

My generation is young. We are yet to experience a stable government and we look forward to it. But this time you failed us. Do not make us lose enthusiasm. Do not cause us to blame ourselves and each other for placing our trust in all of you. Oh please do grow up.

Shortcomings of Stone

Your decisions will make you or break you, so as they say. For me, you must believe in every decision you make, believe that it is the right and only option, only then can you keep yourself at peace and sane.

To my acquaintances I am strong willed, dependable, driven, fearless, knowledgeable beyond my years and highly opinionated. To them I am the unpenetrable fort - stone.

Yet beyond the cement walls I'm not as tough as I look. I am weak. I act on my emotions. I cry and throw fits. I am female and I am young. No matter how hard I try to hide, these are the facts.

I am no stone. I will keep throwing my punches as hard, accurate and precise as I can but in the end of the day I am still human. I cannot do everything, nor do I know everything. Talking to me, you may get the notion that I have all the answers but I don't.

Stone has a breaking point. Submit something to so much and it will shatter. I reached that point, I will not deny that. I haven't been there for more than a year and as much as most of you are, no one's more dissapointed in me than I am.

I apologize for my actions and I hope you can forgive my immaturity. I may be young but I am grown enough to own up to my mistakes. But I will not apologize for my decisions. The path I take is my choice. The decision is mine and mine to take. I've made up my mind.

It was not an easy choice. You may not see me shed a tear but behind the walls I bleed.  If I could have it all, if I could do it all you know I would. 

I will always remember and I will forever be grateful. I am more than willing to keep the bonds of friendship. You are and will continue to be my mentors. And I strive to keep my mentors proud. 

This is my path. These are my shortcomings. This is me wishing I didn't let anyone down. 

Short Lived (Saving and Celebrating Life)

My birthday's coming up. I'm not going to tell you when nor will I tell you where or how I will celebrate. I will tell you though how I feel having lived another year.

The readers and followers of this blog probably know by now some of my history. My life may not be an open book but I leave pieces of the puzzle out in the open for people to figure me out. Now that I'm turning 22, I can hardly believe it. As a child I never saw myself as an adult. All I knew was I would get a job. I didn't really look that far into the future; probably because I never expected to reach this age. 

I'm actually enjoying my life now. I do what I can do, more often far more than what I'm supposed to. But it's the thrills and pressures in life that makes it worth living, I know that now. I know that even though at times we feel so alone and unwanted, there still are some who care and need you. You are not the only one who feels "down", there are millions more, look beyond your own scenario, I used to be one of them.

What's bothering me now is the rising numbers of suicides in the country and how younger and younger they get. I can recall seeing news of professionals and young adults killing themselves twelve years ago. Now we hear of 4th graders hanging themselves, 13 year olds killing lovers and shooting themselves, elementary valedictorians "off-ing" themselves. I can't help but think I could have done something, but I don't know them, I never got the chance to.

Someone approached me in the past, she knew my story and said she had a friend going through what I went through. She asked me what she can do to help. I'm going to tell you what I told her. For there are people you know who need you, even if they say you can't help. 

JUST BE THERE! That's all you can do. Show them you care, show them their important to you. Make them feel that you would be there rain or shine, WILLINGLY. The thing is you can't really make an actual move unless the person asks for your help, until he holds out his hand to be pulled out of the darkness. Before that happens all you can do is wait and be on the watch. Honestly, if you are sincere and show good intentions toward the person, you will get through.I was in "the dark ages" for 14 years and people still got through to me. JUST DON'T GIVE UP. Depressed people have tough layers. It took years to peel mine and I still have a few layers on.

There wouldn't be any young suicides if parents were there. If families are there to support. Leaving your children to fight the world without a guide is setting them up. SOMEONE HAS TO BE THERE FOR THEM - to talk to or to be with. People will constantly look for joy and affection and if it's not at home trust me they will move out to the world where there are predators and influences that will most definitely corrupt them.

Please do what you can do. Right now all I can do is write and make my voice heard. I'm not a materialistic person and all I want is to get through. If I would be given one present on my birthday I would ask the world to spare the children.

A Life in Film

In high school I was known as the TV and Movie Buff because of all the films I can recall. I grew up in front of the television. I was a walking talking TV Guide. Studies show we shouldn't allow young children to watch tv because it lowers their IQ, I'm not about to challenge years of reseach but I am sure the things I learned 50% were from the media the remaining 50% from books. And people will agree that my IQ is not low. It's because when I was five I discovered something while I was watching other children play tag. Everything we do enhances something within us. It is up to you whether you learn to swim or sink. That's why every good film I watch gets absorbed and imprinted. I want to share to you my principles and philosophies; these are the films that made me and explain why I am this way. I hope you watch these films and start seeing how the lives of men can and will affect yours.

These films are in chronological order as to when I saw them. Most of them are real life stories. In bold are the tiltles and year of release. In itallics are the lessons and knowledge I acquired.

• Schindler's List(1993) You can save a man, an entire race even, all you have to do is decide and defy boundaries.
• Schindler could have chosen to live on the safe (and prosperous) side. But he couldn't bear seeing tons of people being sent to their death just because of their race. This was a man who saw what he needed to do and just did it.
• I was roughly 6 years old when I saw this film. I already knew that Hitler started WWII and he killed millions. What surprised me was the hatred he had for Jews. It was Schindler's List that made me interested in Hitler and what made him heartless.
• Braveheart (1995)  The oppressed exist because they let themselves be passive.
• This is a widely talked about film but all the public saw was another love story. What we often fail to see is the historical background of films. How oppressed Scotland was and how power by then was as unimaginable as royalties were allowed to pass pointless laws.  I saw this film in 1997 and I learned that kings and queens in real life were nowhere near the ones in fairytales. They were crazy, gluttonous and selfish men playing god.
• Empire of the Sun (1987) War does not choose who to attack, not even children are safe.
• Everyone will do anything for a potato. Even I at 8 already knew that. Empire of the Sun is the second world war shown in the eyes of a boy - how he felt abandoned, how he found friendship in the enemy, how he admired those who incarcerated him. Luckily at times like they adjust to the climate better than adults.
• Amistad (1997) A man's worth does not depend on the color of his skin nor the weight he can carry.
• At 9 I knew about the plight of the black people very well. I know that they were slaves and sold as property. I also was aware that the term 'Nigger' should never be used. What I didn't know was that there were rules to acquiring slaves. That they were considered lower than wheat that when a ship needs to lose weight they can be thrown overboard. Many people do not know the extent of suffering the black race went through. I do. It was clear to me as black and white.
• The Patriot (2000) There are things we wish we could hide from the next generation but if we leave them this world it is better for them to know how brutal men can be.
• A father will always strive to protect his family but children will end up doing what they want otherwise. At 11 years old I would do what I want and learn what I desired to learn. In The Patriot I couldn't help but think if the father told his sons that fighting in wars is not as glorious as the recruiters say he wouldn't have lost a son. Wars can make us do unimaginable things.
• Men of Honor(2000) It is everyone's right to be the best they can be. Going after your dream even if everyone says you can't will make the path rugged but the end sweeter.
• He was recruited in the navy to cook for white men. Men of Honor is another take on the hardships black men had to go through to get to their dreams. I was 11 and 'Cookie' made me realize I can do anything I set my eyes on.
• Pay It Forward (2000) It doesn't have to be big, a single act can change the world.
• I was only 12 (2001) when I watched this on a cable tv channel, about the same age as the movie's hero. The storyline hit me so hard I decided then and there to start my own homework. I wouldn't want to be one of those who just pass by Earth. I want to make a change before I leave. If a boy my age can I can as well.
• I am Sam (2001) Love cannot be measured by the power and capacity of the mind but by the fight you give to keep it.
• A father with the mental capacity of a 7 year old fighting to keep his 7 year old daughter with him. I was only 12 but even then I knew that a mentally handicapped father is better than an absentee father.
• We were soldiers(2002) Only in a war do we see casualties being rejoiced upon. It is when we congratulate a man for killing people.
• The Vietnam war is another controversial war in which the Americans decided to fight in. We know right from wrong, that killing a man regardless of what he's done is wrong. But in a war lines are blurred. Soldiers are taught to kill as much as they can. They couldn't even weep for the lost. They seek out revenge.
• I was 13 and this was my first formal introduction to the Vietnam war and it's controversial killings.
• Mona Lisa Smile (2003) Women were not meant to be in the shadows of men. We were meant to be leaders as well.
• Even in the 21st century people say women cannot equal men and will only marry. I was 13 when I saw Mona Lisa Smile and I could recall a time when a relative told my mother that having 3 girls is not good luck since we would just get married. I am meant to lead. I do not need a man to be successful. I can carry my father's name as good as any man can.
• Tears of the Sun (2003) Good men are not those who follow orders and do what they are expected of. They are the ones who go beyond expectations, doing what they know and believe is right at the face of challenges.
• They were tasked to rescue a doctor but they couldn't leave the entire village unprotected. These men chose to risk their lives for what they knew was right. I was 14 and I saw the good in not following orders all the time.
• Homeless to Harvard (2003) Go beyond what you were born into. Desire to rise from your current status. Money does not define intelligence. 
• Homeless to Harvard is the life story of a girl born to drug addicted parents (ones she had to take care of). She read an entire set of encyclopedias, except from one letter since their neighbor got it from the trash. She fought her way through ridicules in elementary and finished high school in 2 years. She went on to graduate from Harvard. I was 14 at the time I saw this, about to graduate from high school. This film encouraged me to take a course opposite the direction my relatives wanted. I knew I could do it even without much support because my odds werer better than hers and even she succeeded.
• Iron Jawed Angels (2004) Women are not property. We are, if not equal, more than our male counterparts for we had to fight hard to achieve what men get for free.
• I've always been a "whatever a man can do I can do" kind of girl. At 15 I was unsure of voting because voting meant chosing the lesser evil. Seeing this film made me embrace womanhood and my right to vote. Never will I miss a vote knowing what women around the world had to endure just to have a right that only men had.
• Coach Carter (2005) Student Athletes are students first and foremost. We play to get free education not the other way around. We can do more than we can concieve.
• I was in the University Varsity as early as 14, I was the youngest and competed against college students even when I was still a high school senior. Seeing this film at 16, and by then I was the team captain, I realized what most student athletes fail to see. The varsity was created to give athletic students a chance to good education and now most student athletes just throw it away. Academics must be prioritized, not medals. Afterall it is a university.
• The Triumph/The Ron Clark Story (2006) Set the bar high, believe and you can make it.
• This film made me embrace teaching as a part of life. We need to believe in our youth not pressure them. There's a big difference. In a time where teachers teach for the money, students fall through the cracks. Children need a support system.
• Freedom Writers (2007) Freedom is a right but you have to choose to take it for yourself.
• We cannot avoid being branded at birth. Some of us are born in Alabang while others in Tondo. You know what I mean. It was 2008 when I saw this film and I was touched by the teacher's dedication to her students. She deeply desired to free them from the brands society gave them. But the students must first want it for themselves.
• The Blind Side (2009) A family is not defined by blood and the genes they share but by the realtionship between them. We will do everything to protect family.
• When I saw the trailer I knew I had to watch this. A well off Southern white family (most southeners discriminate against blacks) chose to take in a black boy. They didn't know anything about him all they knew was he needed a family and that was enough to take him in as a member of the family. It's one thing to adopt a baby from another country, it's another thing to adopt a high school student. There is greatness in people and this is one of them.

I hope you watch all these films :).

Crowd Surfing

Freedom is the capacity to exercise choice. To be able to live with your choice you have to believe it is the right one, there is no other viable option. To choose to go against the flow, to decide to take control and live by your own expectations can be the heaviest choice we make. Some do not even consider this an alternative. They let the waves carry them, never getting a chance to make their own marks on the sand – crowd surfing.

Peer pressure doesn’t just come from people of the same age. Pressure comes from everywhere but the heaviest of them all is the kind that comes from the ones you love. May I remind you that a child should be loved regardless of what they do, it doesn’t matter if he/she deserves it or not.  Parents only want to see their child succeed, survive the jungle of life. And all we children ever try to do is please our parents, make them proud of us. It’s a cycle, I know.

I’m not ashamed to say I was depressed as a child up until my late teens. As early as 5 I was suicidal because the crowd rejected me and pressured me to belong. When I was 9 I had enough of people bringing me down with their words of mockery and expectations. I decided to do things differently, to do it for myself not for anyone else – strive and do well in everything I do just to show them I can despite the odds. By then no one can tell me what I can and can’t do. It’s a brave move for young adults and teenagers but very dangerous for a child. But in a world that demands too much it is inevitable.

And now in my decision to lose the extra pounds the crowd is near. The crowd will always have their opinion. They’ve called me incontrollable, gluttonous and many more. Many said I wouldn’t make it but when I started losing some of the fat the crowd demanded more.

There is a reason why bulimia and anorexia were never heard of 100 years ago. That was when people died simply of disease or starvation due to the lack of food supply. Now people just drop dead because of the dumb decisions they make like simply not eating.

I do not need to explain why the suicide rate is booming and why suicidal people get younger and younger. Depression has a cause, it does not choose a gender nor does it choose an age. And unless the crowd stops demanding we will start losing 5 year olds to them.

I wish our youth would just stop and realize what I did – that I no longer have to kill myself in the process of pleasing the crowd. I refuse to give them the strings of my existence. I wish families would be there to build not to crumble. We are not supposed to burden but help, cheer in moments of triumph or even failure.

I write not to brag or to vent. I refuse to turn a blind eye towards our barbaric ways. I will not stand and watch as a child is reared and then trampled. Everyone deserves to be accepted for who they are not for who you can turn them into. If we end up a Prozac nation we wouldn’t be a nation, we would all just be dead.

White Flag

I've never been stressed of the workload. It is not tasks that drain my energy. I find myself (once again) pitting against giants. I am the underdog.

If only I could yell. Scream as loud as I can just to let it out. Trust me, deep inside I'm screaming...screeching.

I'm tired of fighting...Fighting for something that should be mine. Piece by piece it was taken. Ripped from me. I feel brutalized and beaten.

Now I am weary. I no longer desire to be at the top of my game. It's pointless since it wouldn't amount to anything anymore. I would rather do nothing and get penalized than give everything I've got and be trampled. This is my white flag. I will not fight a battle I cannot win.

It's just a Race!

If the color of your skin and your nationality was up to you what would it be?

We live in a white man's world, a white man's nation at most. One in which we kill ourselves to have lighter skin or become citizens of their nation. One in which we sell our every distinction as a Filipino to belong with their crowd. We are Americanized!

A white american passes by you in a store, what is your initial reaction? You work in a bank and a British national wants to open an account, how do you greet him? You dine in a restaurant with your family and in the next table dines an Arab family, would you request a different table? What if they were Jews? Blacks?

Bigotry is a word people! Look it up!

It's the 21st century. Gone are the days of slave laborers, holocaust and the likes. The highlight of our week is no longer "the time I spent giving directions to a foreigner." But racism, bigotry and prejudice still live in us. Sadly, we are prejudicial against our own.

We put foreigners above ourselves. We wait on their hands and feet even if its not our job. Come on, admit it! You are more pleasant when speaking to the white race than to your fellow Filipino. I myself am guilty of this. And the truth is they milk it. They enjoy being pampered and getting away with whatever they want here. They treat us like trash and we say Thank You for it. How low can you go??!!!

It's just a race and I don't owe them anything that matters. So do you. We are a greater people than them. We went through more than they can imagine. We are a stronger nation once we realize it.

And what of Arabs and Muslims? I read a post once, this from a pastor:
     "Not all Muslims are terrorists but all terrorists are Muslims."
The uncritical minds agree to this, it's ok but read it again then think.

The above post is an example of prejudicial thinking. The UNABOMBER (terrorist bomber by mail  )identified as Theodore John "Ted" Kaczynski  was neither a Muslim or Arab. That's one example. Besides terrorists like the Al Kaeda preach a different Muslim. If it is in their religion, wouldn't all Muslems be therefore terrorists? Terrorists CLAIM to be Muslims but they are a minority sect and that is all they are. For a religion is uniformity.

We judge and rob others of the treatment they deserve - impartiallity. You were not taught better, but you must act better. It's just a race people! The color of my skin or my religion will not tell you who I am. (By the way I'm not a Muslim. =P )

Health, Contraceptives and Faith - A Look Into the RH Bill Chaos

We are out of control. 

Bishops threatening to commit crimes. Lawmakers fighting in public and losing the people's respect. This is us now. This is what the controversial RH Bill has done to as. We are a nation divided; out of control and divided by faith, beliefs and the will to live long and be prosperous.

The RH Bill was dead and now resurrected. A bill I have heard of years before this chaos started. A bill that once passed will be an immediate solution to the population outburst. Why then should it be a cause for our divide? Answer: Lack of dissemination of information. I honestly believe that if the people were given facts (as in the entire content of the bill) instead of just reading about its hidden agendas in the web we would have less drama.

The most powerful critics of this bill are the Catholic Church leaders. (I respect their beliefs, honor their suggestions but they are now the ones looking like villains.) The very ones who lead most of Filipinos in their everyday lives and also the ones who threaten not to pay taxes if ever the bill passes. Very Leaderly I must say. THERE IS SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE. The Church cannot or will not dictate laws. No one is above it and threatening to disobey appointed leaders (yes your authority figures, ones of which the Bible says obey) is very childish and evil. Men were given (by God) the freedom of choice who then are you to go above that to the extent of excommunicating a man for his choice and belief? I suggest CBCP to read your Bible, Jesus never turned anyone away. Please do as you preach. You are acting like the childish friars in Rizal's days.

Probably what the people fear of this law is its ability to rob the youth of their innocence (other than the fear of killing the youth). But are the youth innocent? I cannot speak in general but for my part, based from my childhood, our children are not so innocent anymore. I never had "The Talk" with my parents. Going to a private Catholic school in my elementary days I learned of women's monthly periods from boys (weird huh they knew more than I did). I was six and the boys in my class were talking about it like something dirty. I learned about reproduction when I was seven (from overhearing boys in my class... again). These were children reared by well off and middle class families - the sheltered ones, what then of the ones who grew up in poverty? think they were more innocent than my classmates? I also remember one of my high school teachers teaching us sex education and saying there's nothing wrong about it (the act or its education) when I was twelve. So I say, I believe high school juniors and seniors are ready for "The Talk".

I am against abortion. I am a Christian and I'm not ashamed to say that (as to what I know of the RH Bill) I am for it. As long as it does not legalize abortion and plainly legalizes use of contraception. I am not afraid to voice out my opinion. I advise young professionals to voice out theirs too. 

Comment if you want =).

Causes for Charity

Japan, the land of the rising sun, the samurai, sushi, chopsticks and anime. A country recently struck by disaster and calamities. A country that despite the chaos and turmoil choose to keep tact. A nation undivided by the devastation. A land and people we, Filipinos, deeply admire.

We were too eager to help. Events were held for their cause, pay cuts were offered and a whole lot of hands were raised to help. If summed up the money we collected for Japan and her people amount to millions. This is how much we care for them, how great we admire their courage and how much we hate our own.

Yes you read it right. There is no error. I'm not saying they don't need the help. If I could, I would be there helping clean up and reorganize. What I'm saying is we, the Philippines, need the help more than they do. The help that comes from ourselves. 

We look but don't see. Do you think the children in evacuation centers in Japan eat only once a day? Do you think the old people there have to ask for alms just to get by? How many out of school youth do they have? What about YOUR COUNTRYMEN? You think the child on the street ate anything this morning? Last night?

See we as a nation would flood the money and care out rather than take care of our own. Look into it and ask yourself DO YOU LOVE ANOTHER COUNTRY MORE THAN YOUR OWN? 

We just want to help. I get it, really I do. But are we really fit to help someone else? You can't save a drowning person if you can't swim.

The problem is we are too eager to jump ship - the Philippines. I'm no Navy woman but this I know: a battleship is not complete without her men. A battleship is a well oiled synchronized machine. A man out of post, a single mistake will either cause her to be an easy target for missiles or cause her to sink. A captain does whatever it takes to keep her afloat, he never jumps ship. Those who love and dedicate themselves to the success of the mission NEVER JUMP SHIP.

Nick

 For MJ...There are things you can never hear me say my friend. Tol, this is how I let you know I'm here for you...

To a young girl her father is a giant. A hero in every matter. At least to me mine was. I was and still am proud of my Dad. But the fast pace of life and the demanding demeanor of work required him to be away from me most of my childhood years. With this my grandfather stepped in.

My Lolo was dark and handsome. He wasn't tall but to me he was as big and sturdy as a tree. When I was a baby at night he would take me out of the confines of our home and show me off to the drinking men. He would boast of my beauty and wonder. Around 2 years old my mother got in an accident and had to stop my breast feeding abruptly. My grandfather was the one who desperately tried everything he can to calm me down and comfort me. He even played along with us and acted like he was our doll when he was tasked to look after me and my sisters. We used to play basketball in his yard. Often he would give me toys he found from nowhere I could imagine - balls, a top, even a dart board. He influenced me so much that I developed an early interest in cars and motor vehicles - just because he loved riding his bike. Most of the time we would just sit in front of the tv and watch snooker, poker, billiards, basketball, boxing, western and action films and even the x-games. I can still remember his petty little arguments with Lola on who left the faucet open or which piece of fish should I have. My sisters and I used to tease him to "kiss Lola" and he would always do. Prompting Lola to say "nauto ka naman." Going to school and passing their house I would see his shirtless silhouette on the roof with the dog just like tarzan. I give him a toothbrush every year on his birthday because it was the only way to get him to retire the old one. Even though he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's he never forgot the date of my birth, I often boasted of that.

That was my Lolo, ever so gentle and sweet. He taught me to be giving and helpful and to love people even though they're flawed. He was always proud of me regardless of my decisions and of what my grades said.

The disease slowly took him and his will. He became bed ridden and it was the hardest thing for me to see. The girl who was always around her grandparents' house was suddenly nowhere near the place. Of all his grandchildren I was the closest to him. His body was deteriorating but he still looked at me with eagerness and joy in his eyes. It was unbearable, I couldn't let him or anyone see me cry. He hated seeing me cry even as a child. He passed away on a Tuesday night. Upon hearing the news I was devastated and stared blankly at the floor for 10-15 minutes.

I didn't lose a father but I lost the one who harbored me for years. I may not know how hard it is on someone to lose a dad but I know how it feels to stand and watch someone you know close to a dad deteriorate and die.

My darkest days were the ones right after his death. I've gone cold and lost touch with the world. I had nothing and I was nothing.

Faith pulled me out of the dark. Faith and belief that there is something more to life. Faith that things will get better. Faith that I am not alone even if it appears to be. Faith that can move mountains or even emotions. Faith that tomorrow will be different. Faith - a beautiful thing to hold on to.


The father is considered the pillar of a home. If he dies the home he built should be able to withstand great gusts of wind and turmoil. My Lolo is most definitely missed. I still buy him a toothbrush every year on his birthday and I still play his gentle voice in my head time to time so that I would never forget but I know I still have more chapters in life.

Lo, Chapter! :D

Heroes Die Young

Heroes are a vastly extinct commodity these days.  Most speakers say were running out of them but the truth is a hero is born almost every second. Each and everyone of us was born a hero. The Philippine birth rate is 26.42 births /1000 population.Consider the surplus in the Philippines alone! What happened to us? Where is Rizal? Where is Bonifacio?

We simply gave in and gave up. No one desires to die for the country or fellowmen. The Philippines, the Filipino is simply NOT worth dying for anymore. This is what we grew up to know, this is what we learned through the years. The heroes will forever live in books and words of mouth. We know but we never learned.

The heroes of today were smothered in their cribs - infants that were raised either pampered or depraved. Parents of high stature teach their children to think of themselves and no one else. We learned selfishness first and then came stinginess. (And you wonder why great leaders' children fail to uplift us from suffering) While those below the poverty line let out a wild rumpus in the world. Children left alone to fend for themselves and learn things they shouldn't even know. Innocence lost.

We kill our own heroes; murdering them in their slumber. We turn them into heartless robots then we dare search for someone different. There is no lack of heroes just an overwhelming supply of selfishness and depleting compassion. 

Demand and Supply. You want one? Then either raise one or become one! Stop pointing fingers. It is easier said than done. Be willing to unlearn what the modern culture has taught you. Then we get what we have always wanted - A HERO.

Digging for Compassion

Everyone is aware that we live not in a perfect world. People die and children suffer all around the world, this is not new. Kudos to you if you know of the Lost Boys of Sudan, the reason for the American Civil War and that women had to be beaten up and jailed for their (our) right to vote.


We know. We know that the Philippines is overpopulated. That on average a public school child goes to school without eating breakfast. We know that thousands drop out of school because of the lack of money, that hundreds can't eat 3 times a day. We know but do we act?

When was the last time you gave? Who was the last person you helped? Compassion is described as sympathizing and doing something about it. We watch it in the news and all we do is say "Poor thing." Pity won't do them any good. Awe will not feed them.

September 26, 2009 Ondoy struck. What did you do? Most gave clothes and food and basic necessities, some volunteered and actually handed out these goods. It is not much of your time to give material things but to give your time is selfless. Many of us actually did do something probably because the event was highly publicized.

But what if it does not appear on tv? Recently a UST female student was attacked at a public place and no one dared to help her. The other students did not want to get involved, not one of them could even be bothered to call the police. Is this what we've come down to? We now live in a self centered world, one that cannot be bothered.

Look around you. Wake up! If you are a student there is a 100% chance that one of your classmates needs your help; academically, emotionally or financially. What will you do about it? Age is not an excuse. If you are working probably someone you know needs a hand. Do not use time as an excuse. The world spins a lot faster these days but it doesn't mean you have to be cold and robotic.

You are not the only person in the world having problems. Wake up and give a hand. Dig for the compassion deep within your frozen heart. Knowing is not enough. We are educated to make a change.

The EDSA Revolution Euphoria Syndrome

I had no part in this very important event but I share the joy, freedom and pride most of the witnesses have. I am specially proud of the fact that we, the Filipinos, have diminished the fear in the oppressed and changed the ways of the world.

The EDSA Revolution happened more than 3 years before my birth but this did not stop me from knowing what I have gained through it. To us all it symbolizes unity, that we as a nation can unite and fight for the truth and for what is right. We were one nation, were.

When February comes we unite, yes, only when February comes so that we can celebrate our 4 day unity. I am 21 years of age and I do not belittle what my race has achieved, what few of my high school teachers did for me and my children to come. I belittle how far we've come and how pathetic we have limped for the passed years.

The biggest mistake was giving a steel boned ex-soldier power. The only right was the Revolution but we had poor follow ups. The grieving widow whose deceased husband taught us how to fight and who had no prior knowledge of governance gained the presidency through the sympathy vote. (I admire her reforms, don't get me wrong. I am trying not to be too harsh here but simply retracing our decisions.) After the numerous coups we gave the seat to another military man, a decorated general, another EDSA Revolution hero. The next president was no EDSA hero, but a movie star, yes he was another popular man who plundered and raped the country. His successor was the daughter of a great former president. And now we have another EDSA Revolution symbol as a leader. See the pattern?

Wake up Philippines! Do not deny the fact that we gave the presidency to him because he symbolizes his parents. 8 months in where are we now? The media calls his leadership directionless. I am not calling him to step down, I want him to grow a spine. Stop riding fame! And we people should stop placing actors and politician's children in positions just because they look good, look kind and most of all CARRY A NAME! It is democracy we fought for not monarchy. They have every right to run but we must look at the credentials. Would you hire a nurse to do something only a doctor can? You can clothe that nurse, give him a stethoscope to wear but he will never learn how to operate unless he goes to medical school.

Stop pointing fingers, stop riding the EDSA Revolution Euphoria, be cured of this syndrome and start making logical decisions.

Boston

Know the song Boston by Augustana? It goes like this:

She said, I think I'll go to Boston
I think I'll start a new life
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name
...

So why write something about this song? It hit me, because years ago I decided to leave my California - my old school. It is the soundtrack of my old plight.

People can be cruel, children most of all. It's because they do not understand. Others who don't even try to understand can be evil. Society isolates those who are different, those who do not conform to their standards. Bullying is a world issue right now. Laws against it have been written, but in my childhood years the only law was "What can't kill you will only make you stronger" - let it be known bullying has claimed hundreds of lives of young children and teens.

I'm not ashamed to say I was bullied. Bullying robed me of half my childhood. If you look at me now you won't believe me. I'm strong and big, always have been, but bullying comes in many forms. I'm not going to go into the details of how or why I was bullied, that's not why I write. I write to spark a change, to enlighten.

I was bullied in my elementary years, the early formative years where children are supposed to learn how to socialize. I had so few friends, my mother was constantly worried about that. Of my siblings I was the only underachiever, I was often called stupid. Don't get me wrong. I was a year younger than almost everyone in class. My grades were average. I ranked 10th once and that was it. I hated school. You see it wasn't just the children, some teachers choose to take the bully's side. I talked to a teacher about it once, she said "How dare you accuse an honor student and a teacher's son?" There were also a few times when teachers scolded me for crying, instead of the other students. Children have an excuse of not understanding, adults have none. They just choose not to. What about you?

My elementary school was a private Catholic school and, back then, to me public schools were characterized by riots and mangy kids. A clean, very structured Catholic school was my California. Changing to a public school was scary for me. PUP was my Boston. I knew I needed good grades to get in so in 6th grade I had to excel. I ranked 2nd in class though I didn't graduate with honors (a really long story) and I passed the entrance examination to the PUP Laboratory High School. I guess it was my cheerful disposition and the thought of a new life that made me excel in that last year. I graduated elementary full of joy. 

Adapting to a new environment is hard. My first years in a new school was gruesome, but I did it. I had friends, a lot of them. I was among the top half of our batch when I was a sophomore, ranked 14th in my junior year and graduated 7th in academic ranking in one of the popular high schools in Manila. Numerous universities vied for my enlistment, but I still went to PUP to get a college education. I graduated among the top of the class, known as the hardware queen and the walk-in quiz bee finalist. Moving, or rather changing schools worked for me. I can say I am successful and can hold my head up high now, though I still can't hold a very good conversation in person nor can I say how I really feel. The things I write I cannot say in person. The damage has been done.

In high school I was not judged by the world. My teachers thought me how to think outside the box and accept my individuality. They encouraged me to view the world as a canvass, to do what I had to do to change it. There is no excuse for bullying.  I'm surprised that parents dismiss it.  A child should be proud of who and what he is. If this did not reach you or if I fail to change this generation I will change the next. My children will never be forced to run to a place where no one knows their name just to live as they are, neither will they be allowed to degrade a fellow human being for his individuality. Hitler was bullied by his father. He became the biggest bully killing millions. Are you going to raise Hitler?

Bakit nga ba ganun ang title ng blog ni Steph?

Tulad ng lahat ng kababalaghang ginagawa ko, kailangan kong ipaliwanag kung bakit makalipas ang halos isang linggong pag-iisip at pag tanong sa mga friends sa facebook kung anong magandang title ng blog "Under the 8 Rays of the Sun" ang napagdesisyunan kong gamitin. Syempre diba sa pangatlong post pa talaga nag-explain...

Sa Pilipinas ako pinanganak.

Hindi ko sasabihin kung kailan at kung saang ospital, sa profile ka pumunta kung un ang gusto mong makita. 21 years old na ako pero aaminin ko na hindi Filipino ang unang lenguwahe ko. English ang nakamulatan ko at kung hindi pa naaksidente ang nanay ko (hindi ko sinabing maganda un ha) hindi kami matututo ng mga kapatid ko ng Tagalog (Syempre mas matagal silang English speaking kasi bunso ako).

Sa Pilipinas ako lumaki.

O, alam ko na yang joke mo...never ako naging maliit. Kahit marunong na ko mag Tagalog bago pa pumasok sa eskwelahan English speaking pa rin ako lalo na kapag galit na. Dun ako nagsimula magsulat, English lahat (ndi ba halata? O alam na kung bakit english ang mga nauna kong post). Yun kasi ang lumalabas eh. So kapag galit ako, sulat, sulat lang hangang sa mawala lahat ng nararamdaman. Kapag wala na normal na ko ulit, maglalaro. Sa bahay english ang pinapanood namin. Ayaw ko ng Batibot nun, maka-Sesame Street ako. English movies lang ang pinapanood sa sine, sabi ko kasi nun sayang lang pera kung manunuod ng tagalog.

Sa Pilipinas ako mamamatay.

Dark na ba? Kahit na mas marunong akong mag ingles (malalim nga na tagalog hindi ko maintindihan minsan), Pilipino pa rin ako. Adik ako sa news documentaries simula pagkabata: Probe, Correspondents at Reporter's Notebook (marami pa... pero d ko alam ung pangalan nung ibang palabas kasi wala naman akong pakialam sa pangalan ng palabas).  Nakita ko lahat ng pangit sa bansa, lahat ng pagkakamaling madali lang naman itama kung gusto nila at ang mga problema ng bansa. Pero kahit na ganun, natutunan kong mahalin ang Pilipinas, salamat sa English Teacher ko nung High School (ang ironic noh?).Wala akong pakialam sa mga magsasabing "Mabubulok ka lang sa Pilipinas, hindi ka mapapakain ng pagmamahal mo", opinyon nila yun...eto ang akin. Ok naman sakin ang ma-rotate ng ilang buwan sa ibang bansa para sa trabaho (aba adventure un noh, d ko tatangihan), pero kung doon na ko talaga titira ayaw ko.

Wala naman akong partikular na topic sa pagsusulat, kung ano trip kong isulat yun na yun. Hindi naman kasi ako nagsusulat para mabasa (o ma- psychologize ako) ng iba. Para sakin kaya ako nagsusulat, para lang maglabas ng emosyon na hindi ko alam ilabas sa ibang paraan.

Eto palang ung part na explanation (nakaka asar noh? hahaha belat):

Alam mo naman siguro na 8 ang rays ng araw sa watawat ng Pilipinas diba? (nagbilang naman cya) Alam mo rin naman ung ibig sabihin ng phrase na, "Anything under the Sun". So, ayan na. Under the 8 Rays of the Sun: Opinyon ng isang Pilipino sa lahat ng bagay sa mundo. Bonus na rin na 7 words cya (wala lang, trip ko 7 eh).

Hindi ko alam kung kailan ako ulit magsusulat ng Filipino na post pero malamang hindi eto ang huli. Paalam!!!!!

Everybody's Searching for a Hero

I have recently concluded reading Bob Ong's Kapitan Sino and the words (both written and unwritten) struck me like a car blazing at night. The issues were not new to me, they are as old as I can remember and plain for me, but the fact that someone has written the actual facts that most desire to ignore and those that cared can't say it in words made me sport a smile as I read.

The entire time I cannot help but play a familiar song in my head:

Everybody's searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
....
- The Greatest Love of All

Why do we need a hero? Someone else to sweep us out of our miseries, protect us and give everything up for our well being and when something goes wrong we blame him, it's everybody's fault except me. We take and take until there's no more and then move on to the hero in waiting.

Sad, but true. Like most youngsters, I used to dream of becoming a hero. Not like superman or batman, those guys were great but I looked up to Rizal, Bonifacio, Sajid Bulig(the boy who saved drowning people in a pagoda). I wanted to make a difference, but the world ate me up. I didn't do anything big, don't fret. People just take what you hand them and you're so lucky if you get a glimmer of gratitude. No wonder we're short of patriots and heroes; we just gobble them all up.

I am not ranting, let's get that straight. My dreams were mine, my issues my issues. I still have a deep desire to change the world (a bit too optimistic for my age, says some) and no one can make me think twice otherwise.

"Ikaw ang bayani ng sarili mong buhay. Ang bida sa sarili mong nobela." Lines most said and read but done not too often. If we fall, whose fault is it? If we fail to meet our goals, who is to blame? If were poor, weak or tired who do we go to?

These times are hard, I know, been there done that, but what good is to complain or point out blame. Why can't we rise?

I never got to fly a kite but I know wind and gravity will always resist it's rise, but somehow, if the child doesn't give up, with the help of a good blow of air the kite will rise and remain in the air where it belongs - help because if the wind is too strong, giving the kite everything he is, the kite is soon torn to pieces.

Who am I?

Weird, spontaneous, moody and explosive; I know I am hard to understand. I can't even explain me, I won't even try. I am a mystery to me. I don't know why I do the things I do or like the things I like. I don't know why sometimes I like to sit alone in a pitch black room. I can't say why I like red and black but despise pink. I don't know why at times I like company but suddenly desire privacy. I can't explain why I desire to know everything about anything. But in all of these, in all of my craziness, one thing gives me peace,one fact makes not knowing everything all right - THE TRUTH! The Truth that I was not made for you to understand nor was I made to be acceptable to your standards. I live to please only one. I know my purpose... I believe the question now is Who are you?

--- o diba ang gulo ko!