The Gift of Christmas

It's that time once again! Merry Christmas to us all!

Three years ago I had this conversation:

Friend: Steph, sa tingin mo san na tayo after 5 years?

Steph: Ako, malamang workaholic ako. That much I know.

Friend: Oo nga eh, siguro ako rin.

Fast forward to today, it's not even 5 years after, it's Dec 24 and I'm at the office. Working 'til tomorrow morning. I didn't get to go to the Christmas Eve service with my family. I didn't get to cook Noche Buena and feast over it with my family. I'm going to miss the wine toast and private gift giving at home. I will be working tonight.

I'm not a child anymore. Christmas doesn't hold that extra special feeling when you hear jingles anymore. Food doesn't magically appear on our plates. (Though I've always known that) I have to work hard to get what I want.

Though I may be spending Christmas in a cubicle in an almost deserted room I still am merry. For I'm not an innocent child anymore and Christmas for me is not just about the gifts I receive or the food I get to eat. It doesn't matter where or who I spend it with. What's important to me is how I celebrate it, that I know why I celebrate it. I GET TO CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS AND THAT'S WHAT MATTERS TO ME TONIGHT. Thank you for the Gift, Lord.

The Measure of a Filipino Man

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

He fell. Came back up. Fell again, this time for 2 minutes and lost. The 8 divisions title holder, our nation's pride and probably the greatest boxer of his time, lost devastatingly to Juan Manuel Marquez yesterday morning. The nation is still mourning his defeat. But amidst all this, admist all the sympathy & care supporters show, are fingers pointing, mocking, judging and drawing conclusions to why the champ lost.

Several months ago Manny Pacquiao openly accepted God and became a Born Again Christian. Today, people claim this move of his cost him his fight. They blame his pastors and urge him to return to Catholicism since he fought better then, God was on his side then.

Luxurious gambling sprees, money thrown left and right, affairs with young actresses, and yes, 8 division titles. These were Manny's acts and accomplishments in the past. He was a gambler, a tycoon, a womanizer and a champion. Now, according to his family and close friends, he no longer gambles, gives more to charity instead of splurging, is a faithful husband and lost 1 fight (which was not even a title fight). And he is now scrutinized.

How do we measure a man? What defines his legacy? What matters more?

We are a catholic nation, meaning most Filipinos are catholic. But must we force a man to comply with your own beliefs? Must we be cruel and say "Your god is not a god at all. God has forsaken you." just because things don't go as well as planned? May I remind you of the Spanish Inquisition and the bloody crusades and of the numerous sodomy and abuse charges. "let he who is without sin, cast the first stone" - John 8:7.

If a man is transformed as a whole because of his faith why ask him to revert? Manny is not just a fighter, he has a family and he is a congressman. I don't care if he losses every fight from now on. I don't even care much if he losses all 8 division titles. As long as he is a Man - a good and loyal husband, father, son and congressman I will be proud to be a Filipino just like him. Because I do not measure a man by the titles he has won but by WHO HE IS.

So how do we, as a nation, as a people, define Manny Pacquiao? How to we accept defeat?

Learning to Run

You taught me how to be everything I wanted to be. You told me I can reach anything I set my eyes on and not to short change myself.

I thought you would always be there. I depended on you. I thought you would never cause me pain. I trusted you.

It hurts. I felt betrayed as well. The realization of being alone and vulnerable with no one to depend on almost made me lose every bit of sanity I have. My world fell apart.

My problems are my problems. No one can solve them except me. I have to deal with them. I have to learn how to get up from this on my own, just like how we learn to run.

I'm picking up the pieces. My wounds have healed. I only have scars now. I forgive you though every logical part of me says you cannot be trusted anymore. Because underneath all the pain is my need to be protected, sheltered and fought for by you. What we have and who we are can never be changed.

I choose to move forward but it's your job to decide where we go from here.

Neverland does not Exist

If I could, I'd stay young forever. Run away and join the lost boys in Neverland, wherever that is, and hide. Hide from everything.

"Bagamasbad yan na yun? I expect more from you." "You're how old again? And you know all this?" "Kaya mong ituro yung subject ko eh." "Hindi ko kailangan ng maganda magsulat, kailangan ko yung magaling magsulat." "You were at the top the first half of the semester, what happened?" "Si Steph pa? Kaya nya yan, 1 man group cya eh." "Yung level mo, at least 1 level higher than what I expected." "Para kang yung boss namin. (*bow) I give you 5 years." "Ikaw kasi yung magaling kaya sayo pinagagawa yan." "Ikaw pa, eh ang lakas ng powers mo." "Advanced si Steph? Si Steph yan eh, typical behavior na nya yan."

People see me and they say I'm young. They hear about me and say I'm good. They hear me talk and say I'm smart. They see what I can do and say I'm exceptional. If you know where this post is leading you'll get that I'm not bragging. I'm flattered by all the praise. I'm happy that I can please people but sometimes it's too much of a burden.

I feel I have to do this, because if I don't I'll be left behind. My life is one big competition, one in which I always have to be at the top. I was trained to be the best, I owe it to my training. This is what people expect me to do. Somehow the world (my world) expects me to be great. I would be lying if I said I'm not pressured to make this decision. Some part of me refuses to decide. I just want to stand still and see where it takes me. But I can't and I won't make a decision on the basis that people expect me to be more. 

I am an old soul. I always make rational decisions. I am sturdy and dependable. But I wish I can be carefree. I wish I can just play around, be young and merry. But I can't, Neverland does not exist - at least not for me.

Q&A

Christmas and New Year countdowns, anticipation for an upcoming birthday, fleeting moments till a loved one comes home and our own anxieties to come home. These are how we look forward to things and events, counting down the days of waiting. Looking forward but not too far off.

A friend asked me once the question of existence. You know the one. This was how she put it (in English translation):

"We were born, graduate from elementary, graduate from high school, graduate from college, get a job, have a family and die. Why were we created then if in the end we just die and go back?"

She was a year older than me (all of my classmates were) and we were around 9 or 10 years old. We weren't even having a discussion, she just broke the silence and popped this question. I was surprised to find out that someone was asking and bewildered by the same question that was bugging (and quite torturing) me for years. Adults say Ah! The carefree days of childhood! but there we were, 2 girls just hanging by the 2nd floor of our school building waiting to be picked up, weighed down by our purpose and what we should look forward to.

We live in the technology era where mp3's are actually old news, tablets sprout from apple trees and everything can no longer be done with the push of a button but with a touch of a screen. We are the work force. We spend around 12 hours a day getting ready and going to work. We earn, spend more and so we work more. We drive fast, push harder and rant more often. But do we dare look back? Do we have the audacity to ask ourselves what have I achieved from this? What do I leave behind? What lies ahead? What do I live for? Will I run around like a headless chicken in a mock with no idea which way is up? 

I have my own countdown and as the number of days turn to single digits I look back. I ponder on the things I achieved, imparted, leave behind and what awaits me at 0. And as I was deep in thought I recalled my friend, her question and my answer. Yes, I actually gave her an answer. Though I was pleased to discover that someone around my age was possibly bothered with the same things I were (I actually thought I'm not that different or weird after all) I couldn't let her sink with the question and live tortured by it for years. This is what I told her:

"For us to experience life. To actually live and love. To learn from every experience and better ourselves. To leave knowing we did good and give those we leave behind something of importance. To raise a better generation. To make a change."

Back then I was a dark cloud. An answer like this coming from me would have been surprising since it's so optimistic. But I was nobody else's dark cloud. I hovered on me alone. And I told myself for years that I said what I had to say to ease my friend's burden. It didn't. She stood there flabbergasted at my response, amazed that I actually had an answer. (It didn't have to be the right one. Having an answer made me the weird kid again.)

Fast forward to more than 12 years, here I am. Living by what my answer was. And as I leave this engagement, as I ponder, I know I did good. I grew.

I desire not for you to live by my answer. I believe you need to have your own answer to the question of your existence and purpose, just like my friend who, although I tried, was not comforted by my answer. So, I leave you with nothing but the question. I hope you find your answer, start to really live and look forward to something bigger.

Sunrise: Lessons from 2011

To keep things simple, here is a list of what I learned and did in 2011:

1. I'm a bit more outward and open now.

• I started this blog. In the past I kept my thoughts and writings to myself. As of today I have consistent readers!
• I actually speak at work now. Yes, before I couldn't even ask a question - I couldn't bare disturb others with my troubles, I was too shy to start a conversation.
• I went to social events and dressed up for them.
• I took a chance at people. I made friends and close friends. Far more than I could have conceptualized I can. In the past I built invisible walls around me to keep me from getting hurt. The walls are still there, they just issue special passes now. It's not much but it's a change for someone so antisocial and scared of rejection.
• I'm not so uptight anymore. I throw a joke every now and then.

2.  I am no longer overweight

• I started 2011 tipping the scales at (way) more than 165 lbs. and ended the year with only over 130 lbs. A feat some people said I can never do.

3. Career wise, I gained experience, friendships and wisdom

• I was and still am onsite for a new project. It presented new frameworks, co-workers and challenges for me. I had to leave behind friends and team mates. Though I would never show it, moving on will always hurt. I credit to all my team mates (past and present) far more than knowledge gained but wisdom as well. I will always consider them as my mentors.

4. I got into sports

• I've played recreational badminton addictively in the past but had to stop because of the lack of time to do so. Last year I got to play again and even got tips on how to play better.
• I finally got to punch a real punching bag. As a child I used to punch rice sacks. Growing up, I punched walls, doors and chairs during bursts of anger. I got to box, did footwork in an actual ring and got trained by real boxers.
• I'm running. I run as much as I can. Though I've used to run or walk just to burn off steam, nowadays I run to train. 

5. I am grateful

• Though I've always been grateful, this year I value almost everything everyone does for me.

6. I got (partly) in touch with my feminine side.

• As I said I dressed up for events. I willingly wore dresses and makeup. I actually bought a dress for myself. My eyebrows were also threaded.

7. I broke my sobriety and learned it's harder to go sober a second time around

• For more than 2 years I was alcohol free. December 15 - Jan 3 I drank, not constantly though. But I'm saying no to alcohol again for my own sake.

8. I learned to fight for myself

• I would fight for my friends no doubt about it. But fighting for myself was always harder for me. I wouldn't be a push over anymore, thanks to some mentoring. I learned to say 'No' to favors and protect myself.

9.  I lost my temper, got in a fit of rage which scared the lights out of my co workers, persecuted myself for it and moved on.

• No one is tougher on me than me. I set my own principles, goals and standards. After a year of successfully managing my anger I burst. I couldn't forgive myself at first but I have to move on. What's done is done. There's no use crying over spilled milk. It's beautiful how we can always start over.

10. I got to enjoy my youth and my earnings

• I'm practical. Rather than spend it on myself, most of my salary goes to the bank. During the last few months of 2011 I got to splurge on me. Don't worry, I didn't break the bank. I got to be a child - carefree, protected and without much responsibility. I went places, tried new things, bought new things and loved doing it.

 I may have forgotten a few bits but here are the significant ones. Happy New Year to us all and may we continue to change for the better.