Legal Rainbows

“Christianity neither is, nor ever was, a part of the common law.” ~Thomas Jefferson

The rainbow flag, a symbol of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) pride and LGBT social movements in use since the 1970s.

Same Sex Marriage. Taboo. Legalized recently in all of USA. Colorful rainbow profile pictures littered facebook to signify support. But some did not fail to show their dismay. Abomination. Sodom and Gomorrah. A complete disrespect to religious beliefs and the sanctity of the sacrament of marriage.

Do we really know what this means? What makes a marriage legal? Why marry?

Marriage in the eyes of the law is the officiated signing of a contract in front of witnesses. Married couples (specially in the US) can apply for larger loans, lesser taxes, etc... 

No longer is it required to have a religious ceremony to get married, even here in the Philippines. As I see it, the ceremony is for the spiritual contract officiated by God. This does not concern the state. By the separation of church and state no one can deny the LGBT community of USA their right to a marriage contract.

I am not saying the Church should lay down and accept this. With the precedent that any individual has the right to uphold his religious beliefs, any spiritual leader and church can refuse to officiate a same sex wedding. The sanctity of the sacrament held intact. These leaders represent their religions and beliefs. No one can force them. Same as we cannot force the LGBT community to uphold our own beliefs.

Civil Servants given the authority to officiate in marriages can also use this right, as was presented in an earlier statement by a Texas judge. But there is a thin line to be crossed there. If they are to uphold the belief that a man should not marry a man, a woman a woman then there must be enough evidence that they are strict followers of their religion. No meat during lent, no getting drunk, no smoking - these would be some of the easier religious laws to follow. Here's more: No use of contraception, No stealing, gluttony, greed, premarital sex, concubinage and multiple partners. 

I do not need to change my photo to a rainbow filtered one, nor do I need to quote Sodom and Gomorrah. State laws are state laws, religious and spiritual laws are separate. I am not telling you to give up the fight to uphold your beliefs. We need to stop acting all high mighty and holy. There is no heavier or lighter sin or law defined by the Bible. All of them the same. You cry out indecency yet most of what I listed above are rampant in the streets and in most homes. Only hypocrites nit pick through teachings of their beliefs and follow only those that are convenient for them. Convenient. It would pretty much be more convenient for the LGBT community if they stayed straight. Life would have been easier for them, more convenient. But they are not. What they are are humans and citizens, equal to anyone else in the eyes of state laws. It is their right, let them be and try to follow your own teachings.

Forcing a Move: Philippine Chess in a glance

The most popular chess player we have is Asia's First Grand Master (AFGM) Eugene Torre. Tito Euge, as most chess youngsters know him,catapulted to fame when he garnered his title in 1972, at the age of 22. That was 42 years ago and now, unbeknownst to the public, 14 more Filipinos have reached Grand Master status.

Who are these men? My students would ask me. They know no one else besides Tito Euge. Oh how I wanted to tell them how I used to study (and sometimes copy) Antonio's games and style since we have the same pet openings, how Villamor used to conduct trainings in a cafe, how Nelson Mariano II stunned everyone at an early age, how Paragua was the first Filipino to cross into the 2600 rating (Super GM status) and was the hero of my high school years and there were so much more I wanted the public to know.

It's unfair that everyone knows basketball and volleyball collegiate players yet only a few know of our grand masters. My father once told me, 'Theirs is a spectator sport, ours is an acquired taste'. To the common eye the game I love is boring, little do they know chess is brutal.

The news of Wesley So's plea to switch federations shattered the glass enveloping every chess player. The poor bewildered public who new nothing about the Filipino who reached #12 in the world rankings shrugged their shoulders. Philippine Chess teetered on a scale.

In this age, chess needs to be known. Unless we are we do not get sponsorship or donations, funds will continue to dry out. We need to follow through and support our programs. 70% of our Grand Masters are based abroad. Some started a chess school in another country because chess schools here have a high mortality rate. Very few courageous men try to push the program but to no avail. We do not have a program for top players like Wesley, Paragua or Barbosa. Our grassroots programs are struggling.

The term 'we need it now' is overused. We needed funding years ago. What we need now is to unite. The Chess Community, divided into sides by the Wesley issue, needs to move on. We need to stop talking about what we should do. We need to act. We, the brave men who play the game of kings.

The Invisible Force

After everything, after I've been there, after rendering extra hours and losing so much time, energy and valuables, I still did not contribute on the project? Is this really happening to me again? How many people are like you out there? How many times will I be fooled? When will I learn? How hard is it to forget?  How much more of this should I take?

The Price We Pay

It's all out in the open. Most of us knew for decades yet no one dared to say anything. Year after year, president after president, generations after generations; it's not new. Corrupt officials still rule the nation, people are still paying for a substandard service and citizens still die of hunger.

I'm not surprised that it took a long time for the issue to break out into the open. The President himself was a congressman and a senator, meaning he knew this was going on, he himself may have benefited from it.

What my parents worked hard to earn, what my grandparents paid for good governance and what I give now as a responsible citizen; all that money gets funneled into nothingness. While we scrape and save up for simple pleasures in life these leaders get to swim in money.

Mr. President, if Filipinos drown in flood waters because funds for anti-flood measures were stolen shouldn't those responsible be charged of involuntary manslaughter? Look it up, you know it's true. There better be justice. The government dares to prosecute tax evaders while corrupt officials get to walk freely. I challenge the ranks, issue a statement of arrest for those implicated in this. Let's not let them go into hiding just like Napoles. The ranks need to be cleaned. I, as a citizen, demand to know where the annual national budget goes, how much you earn and how much you spend. It's only fair. The government knows how much I earn, since you take out a significant percentage of it. It's money I never get to see.

May those who can say they never stole from us citizens stand up proud. Then publish their financial statements, I want to see those hypocrites defend themselves and their pride crumble. Shame them. This needs to be done so that no one with the same motives would ever run for public service and would dare do it again.

Abolish the PDAF. One agency should hold the funds, another does the accounting and publishes the findings. It's a basic financial principle, learn it. This way we get to go after a small group if there'a an anomaly. No one else to point fingers at. Transparency.

Filipinos, when are we going to learn? Those we put up in pedestals no longer see us worth dying for. For them money is worth killing for. Years from now would you desire to watch the same things happen all over again? The pattern needs to be broken. Carry your responsibility. We put them up there, we chose them to hold those funds, we gave them freedom to do as they see fit. This is the price we pay. Will we make the same mistakes?

The Great Depression

People are prejudiced for all kinds of reasons.
Tolerance, the act of allowing something to be different.
It's not even saying you have to like the other person. It's just saying, 'Leave him alone.'

- Stanley aka 'Big G' in That's What I am

I was picked on as a kid. It's not something I'm proud of yet I won't hide it. Rarely do the tortured speak out and uncommon are those who stand up for them. I envy those who stood up and overcame. I tried to do the same but fights against ideas are hardly won. I still weep for the young - the ones we lost in this fight. More children are depressed (and are on medication) now than when the Great Depression was upon us. 

I don't know how school is for kids anymore, with the anti-bullying act and the equality bills, but I strongly believe viewing of awareness films on being mean, cruel and prejudicial should be mandatory. Yes children can be cruel but maybe they just don't know how to be ashamed of how they're acting. Doing this, they see themselves in a different vantage point. Maybe then we can teach not just preach. 

That's What I am is a coming of age film based on true events about the simplicity and complexity of the pubescent years. This is not an advertisement (disclaimer) but it wasn't released here. I just watched the film which led to this post (previous posts were written on bullying and its effects on this blog).

The film doesn't have to be this one, schools can make their own (can be a school project) but here's the trailer:

A Voter's Plea

Election is right around the corner. An activity to others, a right and responsibility for me. I will not dismiss the fruit of my ancestors' wars, I will vote. But as I carry out this task I am burdened, and to the electoral candidates, to all who have the authority in this, I voice out a plea.

Give me a choice, at the very least between right and wrong not the lesser of two (or more) evils. Do not make me choose between short term financial gain and future economic growth, nor make me choose between my life (and/or my family's) and the betterment of life for all. Do not dumb me down by singing or dancing in front of me or by putting up colorful signs that litter and disturb the public. Do not act as if you care and give me free things while the rest of the year you drive by in your cars neglecting my fellow countrymen living and dying in the streets. Stop carrying and kissing children who you can't even give a good enough education to. Don't link arms with a someone you do not believe in. How can we trust you if you do? Show us credibility and reliability not good looks and powerful names. Most of all, show us the beauty of humanity. Make us proud of our race, our nationality. Give us, I plead, the enthusiasm to vote.

Calling Off the Search Party

I once had 4 friends who wouldn't eat lunch without me. They made me smile, I made them laugh. They looked after me, I adored them. I was 11 and in high school, they were in their last year of college.

Fitting in was never my forte. I've always preferred the quiet loneliness over the boisterous teasing. I was barely a teen and in high school, there was so much going on. Before them I never belonged to a "group". Honestly, I was the kind "groups" rejected and then gang up on. 

I can't recall how or why it started. They were student teachers, on Practicum (Internship for teachers). It was required they teach but never was it said they should take a student under their wing. As far as I know the school restricts high school students from affiliating with college students and clubs. They probably saw me eating lunch in the classroom. A few students with packed lunch did this. I didn't mind eating alone, this way I had more time to roam by myself after eating. One day they just fetched me from the room, all 4 of them, then we'd have lunch, swap viands and stories. If I wasn't in the room they'd search for me. Somehow it was imperative to them that I didn't eat alone. We spent free periods together, I was always the teasing one. I was the youngest, I was untouchable, I was protected.

It all ended when they graduated. They had to leave, I had to stay and finish school. Some gave me their home numbers, some visited me in school when they can. But all contact was lost some 5 years ago. I've been searching since then.

For almost 12 years I haven't seen most of them. I don't even have a single photo. All I have are the fun memories and the lessons they taught me. They taught me that people beyond blood relations could possibly care. They were the first ones to show me that I deserved the time of the day, that the world should take a second look at me. They didn't reject me and instead invited me. They made me feel important.

I recently broke barriers and managed to get someone to send a text message to one of them. A message bearing my number and my desire to contact them. I received no reply. I would be lying if I said I wasn't devastated. It would have been the best Christmas present. But I bear no anger. I understand. They probably have their own families by now, motherhood is not a walk in the park. And if not, maybe they just don't know how much they have done for me, so much that I searched for them.

I write this so that they would know, just in case I never get that message I'm waiting for. That kid who was always running around you in circles teasing you, that kid who ran to you for reassurance, that kid, she turned out alright, thanks to you. You didn't raise me from birth but what you all did, how you all cared, in a matter of months, helped me. It's fine if you don't want to be bothered, I was always the annoying one. I can only try so hard, my search ends here. But I still wait, I will be waiting for that message that may or may not come.

The Gift of Christmas

It's that time once again! Merry Christmas to us all!

Three years ago I had this conversation:

Friend: Steph, sa tingin mo san na tayo after 5 years?

Steph: Ako, malamang workaholic ako. That much I know.

Friend: Oo nga eh, siguro ako rin.

Fast forward to today, it's not even 5 years after, it's Dec 24 and I'm at the office. Working 'til tomorrow morning. I didn't get to go to the Christmas Eve service with my family. I didn't get to cook Noche Buena and feast over it with my family. I'm going to miss the wine toast and private gift giving at home. I will be working tonight.

I'm not a child anymore. Christmas doesn't hold that extra special feeling when you hear jingles anymore. Food doesn't magically appear on our plates. (Though I've always known that) I have to work hard to get what I want.

Though I may be spending Christmas in a cubicle in an almost deserted room I still am merry. For I'm not an innocent child anymore and Christmas for me is not just about the gifts I receive or the food I get to eat. It doesn't matter where or who I spend it with. What's important to me is how I celebrate it, that I know why I celebrate it. I GET TO CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS AND THAT'S WHAT MATTERS TO ME TONIGHT. Thank you for the Gift, Lord.

The Measure of a Filipino Man

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

He fell. Came back up. Fell again, this time for 2 minutes and lost. The 8 divisions title holder, our nation's pride and probably the greatest boxer of his time, lost devastatingly to Juan Manuel Marquez yesterday morning. The nation is still mourning his defeat. But amidst all this, admist all the sympathy & care supporters show, are fingers pointing, mocking, judging and drawing conclusions to why the champ lost.

Several months ago Manny Pacquiao openly accepted God and became a Born Again Christian. Today, people claim this move of his cost him his fight. They blame his pastors and urge him to return to Catholicism since he fought better then, God was on his side then.

Luxurious gambling sprees, money thrown left and right, affairs with young actresses, and yes, 8 division titles. These were Manny's acts and accomplishments in the past. He was a gambler, a tycoon, a womanizer and a champion. Now, according to his family and close friends, he no longer gambles, gives more to charity instead of splurging, is a faithful husband and lost 1 fight (which was not even a title fight). And he is now scrutinized.

How do we measure a man? What defines his legacy? What matters more?

We are a catholic nation, meaning most Filipinos are catholic. But must we force a man to comply with your own beliefs? Must we be cruel and say "Your god is not a god at all. God has forsaken you." just because things don't go as well as planned? May I remind you of the Spanish Inquisition and the bloody crusades and of the numerous sodomy and abuse charges. "let he who is without sin, cast the first stone" - John 8:7.

If a man is transformed as a whole because of his faith why ask him to revert? Manny is not just a fighter, he has a family and he is a congressman. I don't care if he losses every fight from now on. I don't even care much if he losses all 8 division titles. As long as he is a Man - a good and loyal husband, father, son and congressman I will be proud to be a Filipino just like him. Because I do not measure a man by the titles he has won but by WHO HE IS.

So how do we, as a nation, as a people, define Manny Pacquiao? How to we accept defeat?

Learning to Run

You taught me how to be everything I wanted to be. You told me I can reach anything I set my eyes on and not to short change myself.

I thought you would always be there. I depended on you. I thought you would never cause me pain. I trusted you.

It hurts. I felt betrayed as well. The realization of being alone and vulnerable with no one to depend on almost made me lose every bit of sanity I have. My world fell apart.

My problems are my problems. No one can solve them except me. I have to deal with them. I have to learn how to get up from this on my own, just like how we learn to run.

I'm picking up the pieces. My wounds have healed. I only have scars now. I forgive you though every logical part of me says you cannot be trusted anymore. Because underneath all the pain is my need to be protected, sheltered and fought for by you. What we have and who we are can never be changed.

I choose to move forward but it's your job to decide where we go from here.

Neverland does not Exist

If I could, I'd stay young forever. Run away and join the lost boys in Neverland, wherever that is, and hide. Hide from everything.

"Bagamasbad yan na yun? I expect more from you." "You're how old again? And you know all this?" "Kaya mong ituro yung subject ko eh." "Hindi ko kailangan ng maganda magsulat, kailangan ko yung magaling magsulat." "You were at the top the first half of the semester, what happened?" "Si Steph pa? Kaya nya yan, 1 man group cya eh." "Yung level mo, at least 1 level higher than what I expected." "Para kang yung boss namin. (*bow) I give you 5 years." "Ikaw kasi yung magaling kaya sayo pinagagawa yan." "Ikaw pa, eh ang lakas ng powers mo." "Advanced si Steph? Si Steph yan eh, typical behavior na nya yan."

People see me and they say I'm young. They hear about me and say I'm good. They hear me talk and say I'm smart. They see what I can do and say I'm exceptional. If you know where this post is leading you'll get that I'm not bragging. I'm flattered by all the praise. I'm happy that I can please people but sometimes it's too much of a burden.

I feel I have to do this, because if I don't I'll be left behind. My life is one big competition, one in which I always have to be at the top. I was trained to be the best, I owe it to my training. This is what people expect me to do. Somehow the world (my world) expects me to be great. I would be lying if I said I'm not pressured to make this decision. Some part of me refuses to decide. I just want to stand still and see where it takes me. But I can't and I won't make a decision on the basis that people expect me to be more. 

I am an old soul. I always make rational decisions. I am sturdy and dependable. But I wish I can be carefree. I wish I can just play around, be young and merry. But I can't, Neverland does not exist - at least not for me.

Q&A

Christmas and New Year countdowns, anticipation for an upcoming birthday, fleeting moments till a loved one comes home and our own anxieties to come home. These are how we look forward to things and events, counting down the days of waiting. Looking forward but not too far off.

A friend asked me once the question of existence. You know the one. This was how she put it (in English translation):

"We were born, graduate from elementary, graduate from high school, graduate from college, get a job, have a family and die. Why were we created then if in the end we just die and go back?"

She was a year older than me (all of my classmates were) and we were around 9 or 10 years old. We weren't even having a discussion, she just broke the silence and popped this question. I was surprised to find out that someone was asking and bewildered by the same question that was bugging (and quite torturing) me for years. Adults say Ah! The carefree days of childhood! but there we were, 2 girls just hanging by the 2nd floor of our school building waiting to be picked up, weighed down by our purpose and what we should look forward to.

We live in the technology era where mp3's are actually old news, tablets sprout from apple trees and everything can no longer be done with the push of a button but with a touch of a screen. We are the work force. We spend around 12 hours a day getting ready and going to work. We earn, spend more and so we work more. We drive fast, push harder and rant more often. But do we dare look back? Do we have the audacity to ask ourselves what have I achieved from this? What do I leave behind? What lies ahead? What do I live for? Will I run around like a headless chicken in a mock with no idea which way is up? 

I have my own countdown and as the number of days turn to single digits I look back. I ponder on the things I achieved, imparted, leave behind and what awaits me at 0. And as I was deep in thought I recalled my friend, her question and my answer. Yes, I actually gave her an answer. Though I was pleased to discover that someone around my age was possibly bothered with the same things I were (I actually thought I'm not that different or weird after all) I couldn't let her sink with the question and live tortured by it for years. This is what I told her:

"For us to experience life. To actually live and love. To learn from every experience and better ourselves. To leave knowing we did good and give those we leave behind something of importance. To raise a better generation. To make a change."

Back then I was a dark cloud. An answer like this coming from me would have been surprising since it's so optimistic. But I was nobody else's dark cloud. I hovered on me alone. And I told myself for years that I said what I had to say to ease my friend's burden. It didn't. She stood there flabbergasted at my response, amazed that I actually had an answer. (It didn't have to be the right one. Having an answer made me the weird kid again.)

Fast forward to more than 12 years, here I am. Living by what my answer was. And as I leave this engagement, as I ponder, I know I did good. I grew.

I desire not for you to live by my answer. I believe you need to have your own answer to the question of your existence and purpose, just like my friend who, although I tried, was not comforted by my answer. So, I leave you with nothing but the question. I hope you find your answer, start to really live and look forward to something bigger.

Sunrise: Lessons from 2011

To keep things simple, here is a list of what I learned and did in 2011:

1. I'm a bit more outward and open now.

• I started this blog. In the past I kept my thoughts and writings to myself. As of today I have consistent readers!
• I actually speak at work now. Yes, before I couldn't even ask a question - I couldn't bare disturb others with my troubles, I was too shy to start a conversation.
• I went to social events and dressed up for them.
• I took a chance at people. I made friends and close friends. Far more than I could have conceptualized I can. In the past I built invisible walls around me to keep me from getting hurt. The walls are still there, they just issue special passes now. It's not much but it's a change for someone so antisocial and scared of rejection.
• I'm not so uptight anymore. I throw a joke every now and then.

2.  I am no longer overweight

• I started 2011 tipping the scales at (way) more than 165 lbs. and ended the year with only over 130 lbs. A feat some people said I can never do.

3. Career wise, I gained experience, friendships and wisdom

• I was and still am onsite for a new project. It presented new frameworks, co-workers and challenges for me. I had to leave behind friends and team mates. Though I would never show it, moving on will always hurt. I credit to all my team mates (past and present) far more than knowledge gained but wisdom as well. I will always consider them as my mentors.

4. I got into sports

• I've played recreational badminton addictively in the past but had to stop because of the lack of time to do so. Last year I got to play again and even got tips on how to play better.
• I finally got to punch a real punching bag. As a child I used to punch rice sacks. Growing up, I punched walls, doors and chairs during bursts of anger. I got to box, did footwork in an actual ring and got trained by real boxers.
• I'm running. I run as much as I can. Though I've used to run or walk just to burn off steam, nowadays I run to train. 

5. I am grateful

• Though I've always been grateful, this year I value almost everything everyone does for me.

6. I got (partly) in touch with my feminine side.

• As I said I dressed up for events. I willingly wore dresses and makeup. I actually bought a dress for myself. My eyebrows were also threaded.

7. I broke my sobriety and learned it's harder to go sober a second time around

• For more than 2 years I was alcohol free. December 15 - Jan 3 I drank, not constantly though. But I'm saying no to alcohol again for my own sake.

8. I learned to fight for myself

• I would fight for my friends no doubt about it. But fighting for myself was always harder for me. I wouldn't be a push over anymore, thanks to some mentoring. I learned to say 'No' to favors and protect myself.

9.  I lost my temper, got in a fit of rage which scared the lights out of my co workers, persecuted myself for it and moved on.

• No one is tougher on me than me. I set my own principles, goals and standards. After a year of successfully managing my anger I burst. I couldn't forgive myself at first but I have to move on. What's done is done. There's no use crying over spilled milk. It's beautiful how we can always start over.

10. I got to enjoy my youth and my earnings

• I'm practical. Rather than spend it on myself, most of my salary goes to the bank. During the last few months of 2011 I got to splurge on me. Don't worry, I didn't break the bank. I got to be a child - carefree, protected and without much responsibility. I went places, tried new things, bought new things and loved doing it.

 I may have forgotten a few bits but here are the significant ones. Happy New Year to us all and may we continue to change for the better.

Invisible Silence

It's not that I'm dying to go. I'm dying to leave. I've always done what I want when I want to. I work, I toil, I fidget and give it my all until I get my way. My life, my decisions. I can't follow someone's route. I pave my own road. No soul could make me do anything I don't want to do. I am strong willed.

You will only be happy if you love what you do and the company that comes with it. My own words ringing in my ears. But I have to stay put. I feel like I'm in shackles, like someone clipped my wings. I have to take it all. I have to live without breathing. I lost my freedom.

Patience was always my weakest suit. I cannot wait, it hurts too much. I don't know how much longer I can hold my breath. I'm suffocating.

I'm not going to cry or throw my feet in the air in protest. Everyday would be a stretch but I'm accustomed to pain. I'll take breathers more often, do not deny me that. Everything I do, I must learn something. This time it will be patience. I will learn to wait in pain.

Democracy Going On Tribal

Executive, Legislative and Judiciary - the three branches of a democratic govenment. All a separate body but work as one to run a peaceful government. But despite this setup unrest in the government and corruption issues still occur often. The executive and judiciary branches will forever bat heads for in a democracy we have a right to question another's choice, belief and point of view.

You all know where I'm coming from or why I write this. The Philippine government is at a squabble. Men bicker at the top of the ladder. I pick no side, I defend no one. For all I see are grown men acting like children playing generals with their toy soldiers.

There is a reason why the supreme court justices are appointed not elected. The sad fact is people do not know who are qualified. Unlike the legislative branch where tv personalities and pr persons without prior knowledge of lawmaking can seat comfortably, the judicial seats need to be occupied by top ranking, experienced and impartial lawyers. I challenge all who deny these to name a few people worthy of the judicial seats.

Knowing this we cannot discredit a justice's judgement just because it favors the one who appointed him. I'm not saying Corona is innocent. No one is. What I'm saying is we cannot act like the red queen and yell Off with his head! just because we had a disagreement. We cannot elect people for the judicial seats. Please do not change that part of the constitution. I wouldn't want Erap as my Chief Justice! What's he going to do? Smile and blink? And yes, I do not agree with Corona's hasty impeachment. Any lawmaker who signs without reading is no lawmaker at all. They betrayed the public's trust by being ignorant. Ignorance is servitude - Jose Rizal's own words. No wonder we can't rise, we have men acting smart governing us. Was a gun held to their heads for them to sign? What kind of persuasion was used? I was around Erap's impeachment. I saw the trial go on. Chief Justice or President no impeachment happens overnight! We claim to be civilized for we are ruled by laws we wrote but all we did was tear it apart, spit on it and used it to wipe away the blood stains.

Civil wars were started like this. Let us not forget that. Wars are started by childish men playing god just because they didn't get what they want.

Only Corona and the justices know what goes on in their heads. They know what they did and why they did it. I cannot judge them with the actual facts, for all we have are circumstancial evidences. If they broke the law and the public's trust it is their burden to carry forever. But let it be known to them that the people will not stand for a partial government.

As for the president, I wanted you sir to grow a spine not dawn an armour! We do not call our allies and tell them to act on our accord just because you think you're right. Governing is not about popularity nor is it about getting even. To govern is to serve the people. Service beyond recognition - Duty, honor and selflessness.

My generation is young. We are yet to experience a stable government and we look forward to it. But this time you failed us. Do not make us lose enthusiasm. Do not cause us to blame ourselves and each other for placing our trust in all of you. Oh please do grow up.

Shortcomings of Stone

Your decisions will make you or break you, so as they say. For me, you must believe in every decision you make, believe that it is the right and only option, only then can you keep yourself at peace and sane.

To my acquaintances I am strong willed, dependable, driven, fearless, knowledgeable beyond my years and highly opinionated. To them I am the unpenetrable fort - stone.

Yet beyond the cement walls I'm not as tough as I look. I am weak. I act on my emotions. I cry and throw fits. I am female and I am young. No matter how hard I try to hide, these are the facts.

I am no stone. I will keep throwing my punches as hard, accurate and precise as I can but in the end of the day I am still human. I cannot do everything, nor do I know everything. Talking to me, you may get the notion that I have all the answers but I don't.

Stone has a breaking point. Submit something to so much and it will shatter. I reached that point, I will not deny that. I haven't been there for more than a year and as much as most of you are, no one's more dissapointed in me than I am.

I apologize for my actions and I hope you can forgive my immaturity. I may be young but I am grown enough to own up to my mistakes. But I will not apologize for my decisions. The path I take is my choice. The decision is mine and mine to take. I've made up my mind.

It was not an easy choice. You may not see me shed a tear but behind the walls I bleed.  If I could have it all, if I could do it all you know I would. 

I will always remember and I will forever be grateful. I am more than willing to keep the bonds of friendship. You are and will continue to be my mentors. And I strive to keep my mentors proud. 

This is my path. These are my shortcomings. This is me wishing I didn't let anyone down. 

Short Lived (Saving and Celebrating Life)

My birthday's coming up. I'm not going to tell you when nor will I tell you where or how I will celebrate. I will tell you though how I feel having lived another year.

The readers and followers of this blog probably know by now some of my history. My life may not be an open book but I leave pieces of the puzzle out in the open for people to figure me out. Now that I'm turning 22, I can hardly believe it. As a child I never saw myself as an adult. All I knew was I would get a job. I didn't really look that far into the future; probably because I never expected to reach this age. 

I'm actually enjoying my life now. I do what I can do, more often far more than what I'm supposed to. But it's the thrills and pressures in life that makes it worth living, I know that now. I know that even though at times we feel so alone and unwanted, there still are some who care and need you. You are not the only one who feels "down", there are millions more, look beyond your own scenario, I used to be one of them.

What's bothering me now is the rising numbers of suicides in the country and how younger and younger they get. I can recall seeing news of professionals and young adults killing themselves twelve years ago. Now we hear of 4th graders hanging themselves, 13 year olds killing lovers and shooting themselves, elementary valedictorians "off-ing" themselves. I can't help but think I could have done something, but I don't know them, I never got the chance to.

Someone approached me in the past, she knew my story and said she had a friend going through what I went through. She asked me what she can do to help. I'm going to tell you what I told her. For there are people you know who need you, even if they say you can't help. 

JUST BE THERE! That's all you can do. Show them you care, show them their important to you. Make them feel that you would be there rain or shine, WILLINGLY. The thing is you can't really make an actual move unless the person asks for your help, until he holds out his hand to be pulled out of the darkness. Before that happens all you can do is wait and be on the watch. Honestly, if you are sincere and show good intentions toward the person, you will get through.I was in "the dark ages" for 14 years and people still got through to me. JUST DON'T GIVE UP. Depressed people have tough layers. It took years to peel mine and I still have a few layers on.

There wouldn't be any young suicides if parents were there. If families are there to support. Leaving your children to fight the world without a guide is setting them up. SOMEONE HAS TO BE THERE FOR THEM - to talk to or to be with. People will constantly look for joy and affection and if it's not at home trust me they will move out to the world where there are predators and influences that will most definitely corrupt them.

Please do what you can do. Right now all I can do is write and make my voice heard. I'm not a materialistic person and all I want is to get through. If I would be given one present on my birthday I would ask the world to spare the children.

A Life in Film

In high school I was known as the TV and Movie Buff because of all the films I can recall. I grew up in front of the television. I was a walking talking TV Guide. Studies show we shouldn't allow young children to watch tv because it lowers their IQ, I'm not about to challenge years of reseach but I am sure the things I learned 50% were from the media the remaining 50% from books. And people will agree that my IQ is not low. It's because when I was five I discovered something while I was watching other children play tag. Everything we do enhances something within us. It is up to you whether you learn to swim or sink. That's why every good film I watch gets absorbed and imprinted. I want to share to you my principles and philosophies; these are the films that made me and explain why I am this way. I hope you watch these films and start seeing how the lives of men can and will affect yours.

These films are in chronological order as to when I saw them. Most of them are real life stories. In bold are the tiltles and year of release. In itallics are the lessons and knowledge I acquired.

• Schindler's List(1993) You can save a man, an entire race even, all you have to do is decide and defy boundaries.
• Schindler could have chosen to live on the safe (and prosperous) side. But he couldn't bear seeing tons of people being sent to their death just because of their race. This was a man who saw what he needed to do and just did it.
• I was roughly 6 years old when I saw this film. I already knew that Hitler started WWII and he killed millions. What surprised me was the hatred he had for Jews. It was Schindler's List that made me interested in Hitler and what made him heartless.
• Braveheart (1995)  The oppressed exist because they let themselves be passive.
• This is a widely talked about film but all the public saw was another love story. What we often fail to see is the historical background of films. How oppressed Scotland was and how power by then was as unimaginable as royalties were allowed to pass pointless laws.  I saw this film in 1997 and I learned that kings and queens in real life were nowhere near the ones in fairytales. They were crazy, gluttonous and selfish men playing god.
• Empire of the Sun (1987) War does not choose who to attack, not even children are safe.
• Everyone will do anything for a potato. Even I at 8 already knew that. Empire of the Sun is the second world war shown in the eyes of a boy - how he felt abandoned, how he found friendship in the enemy, how he admired those who incarcerated him. Luckily at times like they adjust to the climate better than adults.
• Amistad (1997) A man's worth does not depend on the color of his skin nor the weight he can carry.
• At 9 I knew about the plight of the black people very well. I know that they were slaves and sold as property. I also was aware that the term 'Nigger' should never be used. What I didn't know was that there were rules to acquiring slaves. That they were considered lower than wheat that when a ship needs to lose weight they can be thrown overboard. Many people do not know the extent of suffering the black race went through. I do. It was clear to me as black and white.
• The Patriot (2000) There are things we wish we could hide from the next generation but if we leave them this world it is better for them to know how brutal men can be.
• A father will always strive to protect his family but children will end up doing what they want otherwise. At 11 years old I would do what I want and learn what I desired to learn. In The Patriot I couldn't help but think if the father told his sons that fighting in wars is not as glorious as the recruiters say he wouldn't have lost a son. Wars can make us do unimaginable things.
• Men of Honor(2000) It is everyone's right to be the best they can be. Going after your dream even if everyone says you can't will make the path rugged but the end sweeter.
• He was recruited in the navy to cook for white men. Men of Honor is another take on the hardships black men had to go through to get to their dreams. I was 11 and 'Cookie' made me realize I can do anything I set my eyes on.
• Pay It Forward (2000) It doesn't have to be big, a single act can change the world.
• I was only 12 (2001) when I watched this on a cable tv channel, about the same age as the movie's hero. The storyline hit me so hard I decided then and there to start my own homework. I wouldn't want to be one of those who just pass by Earth. I want to make a change before I leave. If a boy my age can I can as well.
• I am Sam (2001) Love cannot be measured by the power and capacity of the mind but by the fight you give to keep it.
• A father with the mental capacity of a 7 year old fighting to keep his 7 year old daughter with him. I was only 12 but even then I knew that a mentally handicapped father is better than an absentee father.
• We were soldiers(2002) Only in a war do we see casualties being rejoiced upon. It is when we congratulate a man for killing people.
• The Vietnam war is another controversial war in which the Americans decided to fight in. We know right from wrong, that killing a man regardless of what he's done is wrong. But in a war lines are blurred. Soldiers are taught to kill as much as they can. They couldn't even weep for the lost. They seek out revenge.
• I was 13 and this was my first formal introduction to the Vietnam war and it's controversial killings.
• Mona Lisa Smile (2003) Women were not meant to be in the shadows of men. We were meant to be leaders as well.
• Even in the 21st century people say women cannot equal men and will only marry. I was 13 when I saw Mona Lisa Smile and I could recall a time when a relative told my mother that having 3 girls is not good luck since we would just get married. I am meant to lead. I do not need a man to be successful. I can carry my father's name as good as any man can.
• Tears of the Sun (2003) Good men are not those who follow orders and do what they are expected of. They are the ones who go beyond expectations, doing what they know and believe is right at the face of challenges.
• They were tasked to rescue a doctor but they couldn't leave the entire village unprotected. These men chose to risk their lives for what they knew was right. I was 14 and I saw the good in not following orders all the time.
• Homeless to Harvard (2003) Go beyond what you were born into. Desire to rise from your current status. Money does not define intelligence. 
• Homeless to Harvard is the life story of a girl born to drug addicted parents (ones she had to take care of). She read an entire set of encyclopedias, except from one letter since their neighbor got it from the trash. She fought her way through ridicules in elementary and finished high school in 2 years. She went on to graduate from Harvard. I was 14 at the time I saw this, about to graduate from high school. This film encouraged me to take a course opposite the direction my relatives wanted. I knew I could do it even without much support because my odds werer better than hers and even she succeeded.
• Iron Jawed Angels (2004) Women are not property. We are, if not equal, more than our male counterparts for we had to fight hard to achieve what men get for free.
• I've always been a "whatever a man can do I can do" kind of girl. At 15 I was unsure of voting because voting meant chosing the lesser evil. Seeing this film made me embrace womanhood and my right to vote. Never will I miss a vote knowing what women around the world had to endure just to have a right that only men had.
• Coach Carter (2005) Student Athletes are students first and foremost. We play to get free education not the other way around. We can do more than we can concieve.
• I was in the University Varsity as early as 14, I was the youngest and competed against college students even when I was still a high school senior. Seeing this film at 16, and by then I was the team captain, I realized what most student athletes fail to see. The varsity was created to give athletic students a chance to good education and now most student athletes just throw it away. Academics must be prioritized, not medals. Afterall it is a university.
• The Triumph/The Ron Clark Story (2006) Set the bar high, believe and you can make it.
• This film made me embrace teaching as a part of life. We need to believe in our youth not pressure them. There's a big difference. In a time where teachers teach for the money, students fall through the cracks. Children need a support system.
• Freedom Writers (2007) Freedom is a right but you have to choose to take it for yourself.
• We cannot avoid being branded at birth. Some of us are born in Alabang while others in Tondo. You know what I mean. It was 2008 when I saw this film and I was touched by the teacher's dedication to her students. She deeply desired to free them from the brands society gave them. But the students must first want it for themselves.
• The Blind Side (2009) A family is not defined by blood and the genes they share but by the realtionship between them. We will do everything to protect family.
• When I saw the trailer I knew I had to watch this. A well off Southern white family (most southeners discriminate against blacks) chose to take in a black boy. They didn't know anything about him all they knew was he needed a family and that was enough to take him in as a member of the family. It's one thing to adopt a baby from another country, it's another thing to adopt a high school student. There is greatness in people and this is one of them.

I hope you watch all these films :).

Crowd Surfing

Freedom is the capacity to exercise choice. To be able to live with your choice you have to believe it is the right one, there is no other viable option. To choose to go against the flow, to decide to take control and live by your own expectations can be the heaviest choice we make. Some do not even consider this an alternative. They let the waves carry them, never getting a chance to make their own marks on the sand – crowd surfing.

Peer pressure doesn’t just come from people of the same age. Pressure comes from everywhere but the heaviest of them all is the kind that comes from the ones you love. May I remind you that a child should be loved regardless of what they do, it doesn’t matter if he/she deserves it or not.  Parents only want to see their child succeed, survive the jungle of life. And all we children ever try to do is please our parents, make them proud of us. It’s a cycle, I know.

I’m not ashamed to say I was depressed as a child up until my late teens. As early as 5 I was suicidal because the crowd rejected me and pressured me to belong. When I was 9 I had enough of people bringing me down with their words of mockery and expectations. I decided to do things differently, to do it for myself not for anyone else – strive and do well in everything I do just to show them I can despite the odds. By then no one can tell me what I can and can’t do. It’s a brave move for young adults and teenagers but very dangerous for a child. But in a world that demands too much it is inevitable.

And now in my decision to lose the extra pounds the crowd is near. The crowd will always have their opinion. They’ve called me incontrollable, gluttonous and many more. Many said I wouldn’t make it but when I started losing some of the fat the crowd demanded more.

There is a reason why bulimia and anorexia were never heard of 100 years ago. That was when people died simply of disease or starvation due to the lack of food supply. Now people just drop dead because of the dumb decisions they make like simply not eating.

I do not need to explain why the suicide rate is booming and why suicidal people get younger and younger. Depression has a cause, it does not choose a gender nor does it choose an age. And unless the crowd stops demanding we will start losing 5 year olds to them.

I wish our youth would just stop and realize what I did – that I no longer have to kill myself in the process of pleasing the crowd. I refuse to give them the strings of my existence. I wish families would be there to build not to crumble. We are not supposed to burden but help, cheer in moments of triumph or even failure.

I write not to brag or to vent. I refuse to turn a blind eye towards our barbaric ways. I will not stand and watch as a child is reared and then trampled. Everyone deserves to be accepted for who they are not for who you can turn them into. If we end up a Prozac nation we wouldn’t be a nation, we would all just be dead.