Neverland does not Exist

If I could, I'd stay young forever. Run away and join the lost boys in Neverland, wherever that is, and hide. Hide from everything.

"Bagamasbad yan na yun? I expect more from you." "You're how old again? And you know all this?" "Kaya mong ituro yung subject ko eh." "Hindi ko kailangan ng maganda magsulat, kailangan ko yung magaling magsulat." "You were at the top the first half of the semester, what happened?" "Si Steph pa? Kaya nya yan, 1 man group cya eh." "Yung level mo, at least 1 level higher than what I expected." "Para kang yung boss namin. (*bow) I give you 5 years." "Ikaw kasi yung magaling kaya sayo pinagagawa yan." "Ikaw pa, eh ang lakas ng powers mo." "Advanced si Steph? Si Steph yan eh, typical behavior na nya yan."

People see me and they say I'm young. They hear about me and say I'm good. They hear me talk and say I'm smart. They see what I can do and say I'm exceptional. If you know where this post is leading you'll get that I'm not bragging. I'm flattered by all the praise. I'm happy that I can please people but sometimes it's too much of a burden.

I feel I have to do this, because if I don't I'll be left behind. My life is one big competition, one in which I always have to be at the top. I was trained to be the best, I owe it to my training. This is what people expect me to do. Somehow the world (my world) expects me to be great. I would be lying if I said I'm not pressured to make this decision. Some part of me refuses to decide. I just want to stand still and see where it takes me. But I can't and I won't make a decision on the basis that people expect me to be more. 

I am an old soul. I always make rational decisions. I am sturdy and dependable. But I wish I can be carefree. I wish I can just play around, be young and merry. But I can't, Neverland does not exist - at least not for me.

Q&A

Christmas and New Year countdowns, anticipation for an upcoming birthday, fleeting moments till a loved one comes home and our own anxieties to come home. These are how we look forward to things and events, counting down the days of waiting. Looking forward but not too far off.

A friend asked me once the question of existence. You know the one. This was how she put it (in English translation):

"We were born, graduate from elementary, graduate from high school, graduate from college, get a job, have a family and die. Why were we created then if in the end we just die and go back?"

She was a year older than me (all of my classmates were) and we were around 9 or 10 years old. We weren't even having a discussion, she just broke the silence and popped this question. I was surprised to find out that someone was asking and bewildered by the same question that was bugging (and quite torturing) me for years. Adults say Ah! The carefree days of childhood! but there we were, 2 girls just hanging by the 2nd floor of our school building waiting to be picked up, weighed down by our purpose and what we should look forward to.

We live in the technology era where mp3's are actually old news, tablets sprout from apple trees and everything can no longer be done with the push of a button but with a touch of a screen. We are the work force. We spend around 12 hours a day getting ready and going to work. We earn, spend more and so we work more. We drive fast, push harder and rant more often. But do we dare look back? Do we have the audacity to ask ourselves what have I achieved from this? What do I leave behind? What lies ahead? What do I live for? Will I run around like a headless chicken in a mock with no idea which way is up? 

I have my own countdown and as the number of days turn to single digits I look back. I ponder on the things I achieved, imparted, leave behind and what awaits me at 0. And as I was deep in thought I recalled my friend, her question and my answer. Yes, I actually gave her an answer. Though I was pleased to discover that someone around my age was possibly bothered with the same things I were (I actually thought I'm not that different or weird after all) I couldn't let her sink with the question and live tortured by it for years. This is what I told her:

"For us to experience life. To actually live and love. To learn from every experience and better ourselves. To leave knowing we did good and give those we leave behind something of importance. To raise a better generation. To make a change."

Back then I was a dark cloud. An answer like this coming from me would have been surprising since it's so optimistic. But I was nobody else's dark cloud. I hovered on me alone. And I told myself for years that I said what I had to say to ease my friend's burden. It didn't. She stood there flabbergasted at my response, amazed that I actually had an answer. (It didn't have to be the right one. Having an answer made me the weird kid again.)

Fast forward to more than 12 years, here I am. Living by what my answer was. And as I leave this engagement, as I ponder, I know I did good. I grew.

I desire not for you to live by my answer. I believe you need to have your own answer to the question of your existence and purpose, just like my friend who, although I tried, was not comforted by my answer. So, I leave you with nothing but the question. I hope you find your answer, start to really live and look forward to something bigger.

Sunrise: Lessons from 2011

To keep things simple, here is a list of what I learned and did in 2011:

1. I'm a bit more outward and open now.

• I started this blog. In the past I kept my thoughts and writings to myself. As of today I have consistent readers!
• I actually speak at work now. Yes, before I couldn't even ask a question - I couldn't bare disturb others with my troubles, I was too shy to start a conversation.
• I went to social events and dressed up for them.
• I took a chance at people. I made friends and close friends. Far more than I could have conceptualized I can. In the past I built invisible walls around me to keep me from getting hurt. The walls are still there, they just issue special passes now. It's not much but it's a change for someone so antisocial and scared of rejection.
• I'm not so uptight anymore. I throw a joke every now and then.

2.  I am no longer overweight

• I started 2011 tipping the scales at (way) more than 165 lbs. and ended the year with only over 130 lbs. A feat some people said I can never do.

3. Career wise, I gained experience, friendships and wisdom

• I was and still am onsite for a new project. It presented new frameworks, co-workers and challenges for me. I had to leave behind friends and team mates. Though I would never show it, moving on will always hurt. I credit to all my team mates (past and present) far more than knowledge gained but wisdom as well. I will always consider them as my mentors.

4. I got into sports

• I've played recreational badminton addictively in the past but had to stop because of the lack of time to do so. Last year I got to play again and even got tips on how to play better.
• I finally got to punch a real punching bag. As a child I used to punch rice sacks. Growing up, I punched walls, doors and chairs during bursts of anger. I got to box, did footwork in an actual ring and got trained by real boxers.
• I'm running. I run as much as I can. Though I've used to run or walk just to burn off steam, nowadays I run to train. 

5. I am grateful

• Though I've always been grateful, this year I value almost everything everyone does for me.

6. I got (partly) in touch with my feminine side.

• As I said I dressed up for events. I willingly wore dresses and makeup. I actually bought a dress for myself. My eyebrows were also threaded.

7. I broke my sobriety and learned it's harder to go sober a second time around

• For more than 2 years I was alcohol free. December 15 - Jan 3 I drank, not constantly though. But I'm saying no to alcohol again for my own sake.

8. I learned to fight for myself

• I would fight for my friends no doubt about it. But fighting for myself was always harder for me. I wouldn't be a push over anymore, thanks to some mentoring. I learned to say 'No' to favors and protect myself.

9.  I lost my temper, got in a fit of rage which scared the lights out of my co workers, persecuted myself for it and moved on.

• No one is tougher on me than me. I set my own principles, goals and standards. After a year of successfully managing my anger I burst. I couldn't forgive myself at first but I have to move on. What's done is done. There's no use crying over spilled milk. It's beautiful how we can always start over.

10. I got to enjoy my youth and my earnings

• I'm practical. Rather than spend it on myself, most of my salary goes to the bank. During the last few months of 2011 I got to splurge on me. Don't worry, I didn't break the bank. I got to be a child - carefree, protected and without much responsibility. I went places, tried new things, bought new things and loved doing it.

 I may have forgotten a few bits but here are the significant ones. Happy New Year to us all and may we continue to change for the better.

Invisible Silence

It's not that I'm dying to go. I'm dying to leave. I've always done what I want when I want to. I work, I toil, I fidget and give it my all until I get my way. My life, my decisions. I can't follow someone's route. I pave my own road. No soul could make me do anything I don't want to do. I am strong willed.

You will only be happy if you love what you do and the company that comes with it. My own words ringing in my ears. But I have to stay put. I feel like I'm in shackles, like someone clipped my wings. I have to take it all. I have to live without breathing. I lost my freedom.

Patience was always my weakest suit. I cannot wait, it hurts too much. I don't know how much longer I can hold my breath. I'm suffocating.

I'm not going to cry or throw my feet in the air in protest. Everyday would be a stretch but I'm accustomed to pain. I'll take breathers more often, do not deny me that. Everything I do, I must learn something. This time it will be patience. I will learn to wait in pain.

Democracy Going On Tribal

Executive, Legislative and Judiciary - the three branches of a democratic govenment. All a separate body but work as one to run a peaceful government. But despite this setup unrest in the government and corruption issues still occur often. The executive and judiciary branches will forever bat heads for in a democracy we have a right to question another's choice, belief and point of view.

You all know where I'm coming from or why I write this. The Philippine government is at a squabble. Men bicker at the top of the ladder. I pick no side, I defend no one. For all I see are grown men acting like children playing generals with their toy soldiers.

There is a reason why the supreme court justices are appointed not elected. The sad fact is people do not know who are qualified. Unlike the legislative branch where tv personalities and pr persons without prior knowledge of lawmaking can seat comfortably, the judicial seats need to be occupied by top ranking, experienced and impartial lawyers. I challenge all who deny these to name a few people worthy of the judicial seats.

Knowing this we cannot discredit a justice's judgement just because it favors the one who appointed him. I'm not saying Corona is innocent. No one is. What I'm saying is we cannot act like the red queen and yell Off with his head! just because we had a disagreement. We cannot elect people for the judicial seats. Please do not change that part of the constitution. I wouldn't want Erap as my Chief Justice! What's he going to do? Smile and blink? And yes, I do not agree with Corona's hasty impeachment. Any lawmaker who signs without reading is no lawmaker at all. They betrayed the public's trust by being ignorant. Ignorance is servitude - Jose Rizal's own words. No wonder we can't rise, we have men acting smart governing us. Was a gun held to their heads for them to sign? What kind of persuasion was used? I was around Erap's impeachment. I saw the trial go on. Chief Justice or President no impeachment happens overnight! We claim to be civilized for we are ruled by laws we wrote but all we did was tear it apart, spit on it and used it to wipe away the blood stains.

Civil wars were started like this. Let us not forget that. Wars are started by childish men playing god just because they didn't get what they want.

Only Corona and the justices know what goes on in their heads. They know what they did and why they did it. I cannot judge them with the actual facts, for all we have are circumstancial evidences. If they broke the law and the public's trust it is their burden to carry forever. But let it be known to them that the people will not stand for a partial government.

As for the president, I wanted you sir to grow a spine not dawn an armour! We do not call our allies and tell them to act on our accord just because you think you're right. Governing is not about popularity nor is it about getting even. To govern is to serve the people. Service beyond recognition - Duty, honor and selflessness.

My generation is young. We are yet to experience a stable government and we look forward to it. But this time you failed us. Do not make us lose enthusiasm. Do not cause us to blame ourselves and each other for placing our trust in all of you. Oh please do grow up.

Shortcomings of Stone

Your decisions will make you or break you, so as they say. For me, you must believe in every decision you make, believe that it is the right and only option, only then can you keep yourself at peace and sane.

To my acquaintances I am strong willed, dependable, driven, fearless, knowledgeable beyond my years and highly opinionated. To them I am the unpenetrable fort - stone.

Yet beyond the cement walls I'm not as tough as I look. I am weak. I act on my emotions. I cry and throw fits. I am female and I am young. No matter how hard I try to hide, these are the facts.

I am no stone. I will keep throwing my punches as hard, accurate and precise as I can but in the end of the day I am still human. I cannot do everything, nor do I know everything. Talking to me, you may get the notion that I have all the answers but I don't.

Stone has a breaking point. Submit something to so much and it will shatter. I reached that point, I will not deny that. I haven't been there for more than a year and as much as most of you are, no one's more dissapointed in me than I am.

I apologize for my actions and I hope you can forgive my immaturity. I may be young but I am grown enough to own up to my mistakes. But I will not apologize for my decisions. The path I take is my choice. The decision is mine and mine to take. I've made up my mind.

It was not an easy choice. You may not see me shed a tear but behind the walls I bleed.  If I could have it all, if I could do it all you know I would. 

I will always remember and I will forever be grateful. I am more than willing to keep the bonds of friendship. You are and will continue to be my mentors. And I strive to keep my mentors proud. 

This is my path. These are my shortcomings. This is me wishing I didn't let anyone down.