Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Calling Off the Search Party


I once had 4 friends who wouldn't eat lunch without me. They made me smile, I made them laugh. They looked after me, I adored them. I was 11 and in high school, they were in their last year of college.

Fitting in was never my forte. I've always preferred the quiet loneliness over the boisterous teasing. I was barely a teen and in high school, there was so much going on. Before them I never belonged to a "group". Honestly, I was the kind "groups" rejected and then gang up on. 

I can't recall how or why it started. They were student teachers, on Practicum (Internship for teachers). It was required they teach but never was it said they should take a student under their wing. As far as I know the school restricts high school students from affiliating with college students and clubs. They probably saw me eating lunch in the classroom. A few students with packed lunch did this. I didn't mind eating alone, this way I had more time to roam by myself after eating. One day they just fetched me from the room, all 4 of them, then we'd have lunch, swap viands and stories. If I wasn't in the room they'd search for me. Somehow it was imperative to them that I didn't eat alone. We spent free periods together, I was always the teasing one. I was the youngest, I was untouchable, I was protected.

It all ended when they graduated. They had to leave, I had to stay and finish school. Some gave me their home numbers, some visited me in school when they can. But all contact was lost some 5 years ago. I've been searching since then.

For almost 12 years I haven't seen most of them. I don't even have a single photo. All I have are the fun memories and the lessons they taught me. They taught me that people beyond blood relations could possibly care. They were the first ones to show me that I deserved the time of the day, that the world should take a second look at me. They didn't reject me and instead invited me. They made me feel important.

I recently broke barriers and managed to get someone to send a text message to one of them. A message bearing my number and my desire to contact them. I received no reply. I would be lying if I said I wasn't devastated. It would have been the best Christmas present. But I bear no anger. I understand. They probably have their own families by now, motherhood is not a walk in the park. And if not, maybe they just don't know how much they have done for me, so much that I searched for them.

I write this so that they would know, just in case I never get that message I'm waiting for. That kid who was always running around you in circles teasing you, that kid who ran to you for reassurance, that kid, she turned out alright, thanks to you. You didn't raise me from birth but what you all did, how you all cared, in a matter of months, helped me. It's fine if you don't want to be bothered, I was always the annoying one. I can only try so hard, my search ends here. But I still wait, I will be waiting for that message that may or may not come.